An Impending Sense of Doom

Tags

doom, holiday, stress, tension, to do, work

I do feel this physically, as a massive knot in my stomach, a tension that will not go away or even loosen. I’m even getting tension headaches. What is going on?

I went into Christmas feeling in a relatively good place, looking forward to starting my course again, feeling happy about exercise and continuing that. I was aware that I would be fighting for 2son with the council in January but I was ready. Christmas and the New Year came and went without major incidents so all is well.

Except that it isn’t.

I’m going away for a long weekend towards the end of the month, with two good friends. It’s going to be the maddest, more extravagant thing I’ve ever done and while I know I would never have chosen to do it on my own I am expecting to not stop laughing or having fun for a few days. Sounds awful, does it not? However I am leaving 3son and 4son on their own for the time. I’m leaving on Wednesday and coming back Tuesday morning so they will have to get themselves to school Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday. They are quite capable of doing this and when I am at home if they chose not to go to school I’ve never been able to make them go anyway so it won’t make any difference. I don’t want to be caught out by school as an absent parent but I’m not leaving a six year old while I holiday for a fortnight. They are not going to have a massive party or drink all the alcohol (although I will be careful not to stock up) and quite frankly the worst I can imagine them doing is leaving the gas (oven) on overnight. I’ve warned 3son about the perils of blowing up the house and he does appreciate that this is a sensible concern of mine. They’ll make a mess, not wash up and eat junk but nothing major. I’ve promised them a weekend away of their choice if they behave. I’d like to make sure that no one from social services (for 4son) tries to contact me or notices my absence but what are the chances of that happening? So what is there to be worried about, other than I have never done it before and I feel like I’m being naughty?

I have a work thing that I’ve never had to worry about before. I host a number of websites on a shared server and it got hacked before Christmas. I’ve never had a problem before but now they’ve got in once they keep trying again on a daily basis, sometimes killing off a site in the meantime so I need to ring up (£2 for 15 minutes) and get a backup reloaded. It takes time and patience and the most important site won’t come back and is beyond my ability to repair. I haven’t yet worked out whether I should move them all to a different server (itself a time-consuming process), stop hosting them myself (consequences and a sense of responsibility), or what. I feel helpless because I don’t know enough to sort it out definitively myself. I followed clear instructions for wiping a WordPress site and re-installing a clean version and it didn’t work causing me to ring up once again to get a re-install as they couldn’t see why it didn’t work either. Anyway I’m boring myself with this but I am spending an hour (at least) every day scanning websites and monitoring situation just to make sure nothing is starting up again. This is something that was never a problem before and now is a problem and another anxiety I don’t need. I don’t feel there is anyone else who is reliable that I can pass it onto. So it’s a pressure that has come out of the blue and I don’t know what to do with it or how to resolve it, with no clear cut solution. It’s not a life and death situation but it taps into my sense of responsibility and duty. It’s also incredibly boring.

I am beginning to win the conversation about my parents’ location on their return to the UK, something that only appeared on the horizon last month. It does worry me the idea of having them close to me. Having suggested the south coast with its fast trains (when running) to London and having the proposal dismissed my sisters have now got on board with this idea and are encouraging my parents to reconsider. I do actually think it would be better for them as well as just not wanting them round the corner from me. It’s a subtler pressure but one that is very quietly freaking me out even though I’m being (trying to be) sensible about it.

I was supposed to be looking at schools this month for 2son but haven’t got started on that although it’s really important. I haven’t actually finished the little things I meant to finish before Christmas. I’ve got a leak in the bathroom, mice in the house, car insurance to renew and my bedroom light blew up last night. Niggly things that I have to deal with and really can’t be bothered. I have a job I want to give up because nobody has any enthusiasm for running it but I can’t afford to resign but have to wait and see. 1son went back successfully a week ago; 2son returned to school yesterday and 3 son returned last week to school. 4son is currently off sick which is worrying me more than it should as he was ill at the end of last term as well. I’ve phoned the doctor for a consultation but I expect she’ll tell me I’m over worrying. I do want a day to myself soon!

I have a list of things to do which I am perfectly capable of doing. I absolutely don’t see a reason for feeling as wound up as I do. I do feel better for writing all this out and for discussing it in my ten minute practice session today.

There is also the reality of a new year as opposed to the expectations of better days. Same shit, different year.

 

2016, a personal review

Tags

bombshell, change, changes, competence, development, driving, job, parents, poetry, sons, therapy

I think, as we enter a new year that I’ve come such a long way and yet still have such a long way to go. I wonder if I will ever make it. I’m more aware of the work yet to do and it scares me. Feeling comfortable with who I am sounds so simple and yet so far.

I’m sitting in the pub starting this while listening to Comfortably Numb which is what it takes to start this post I’ve been ruminating over for the last week. I’m finishing it at home the next day.

Whether 2016 has been a good or a bad year for me I really don’t know. I think it has actually been good but I don’t feel it.

Breaking My Silence

Tags

acceptance, anger, childhood, dreams, grief, kubler-ross, parents, stuggle

Unsurprisingly enough I find it easier to write when I’m thinking positively than when life is difficult. And yet it’s then I need most to practice talking about hard feelings.

During these past few weeks I’ve been slowly and steadily sinking, plunging myself into a morass of despair.

The good thing is that whenever one of 2son’s professionals have asked me how I’m doing I have told them at length how I’m doing,  rather than sticking to a one word lie in reply.

A few weekends ago I went to see my friend (mentioned in Theatre) in a quality amateur production. Naturally we stayed behind to say well done to him afterwards and spent a few minutes listening to him delight in the back stage camaraderie and in house jokes and friendships that had developed. As we made our weary way back to London and for several days after, his words reverberated in my head. His joy, his sense of belonging, of pride and achievement. I wondered why he gets to chase his dream and I gave up on mine. Then I listen to his parents praising him, for his achievements, his hard work and dedication and I stop wondering. Is that what it’s like to have parents who support and encourage you?

I’m still grieving and mourning for the childhood I never had, for the friends not made, the parties not gone to, the fun not had, the mistakes I didn’t make, the learning I didn’t manage, for the silly tales I haven’t got to tell. I’m wishing I’d had the confidence then to stand up for my parents and make a difference while recognising that it’s not unexpected that I didn’t. I want to have been a child, to have had the “normal” childhood problems with friendships, growing up, boyfriends and all the rest of it. I wish I had parents who supported me and gave me strength rather than chipped away at me.

And that’s on top of the dream not followed. I’m stuck in the depression stage of the Kübler-Ross model. I’ve spent most of my life in denial, pretending that it wasn’t that bad really as I wasn’t capable of dealing with the truth. I’ve got angry this year, probably not angry enough and never to the point of saying anything about anything much to my parents. The third stage is bargaining. I was never very good at wishing to be able to go back and do it all again, because I couldn’t see a pivotal point where I made the wrong decision. Even as a teenager I was also terrified of the prospect of having to go through my childhood all over again if that magic time wand could be waved. (I’m almost resisting temptation to call it a timey-wimey wand.)

The stage I haven’t got to yet is acceptance, which starts off “Grief Work” with:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

I haven’t accepted the reality of my loss. I still yearn for what I didn’t have and feel angry towards people I perceive as having it instead.

And I’m struggling. I’m struggling to keep my head above water while looking after 3 boys as well. As an aside, 1son had a trial shift behind a bar this Saturday which he survived but said it was the hardest day’s work he’s ever done. About time I say, but with pride. I can’t be bothered to cook for them or me. I’m struggling to put in the effort to get 2son up. I’m stopping talking to people. I’m not doing the school run so I don’t have to make polite (or impolite) conversation with anyone and I really can’t be bothered. Except for the few people who really know and share what’s happening I don’t want to talk about it. If it wasn’t for being able to have a laugh with my Saturday friends life would have nothing whatsoever to offer. I’m trying to accept that I simply can’t go out during the week unless I’m back early and that’s the way it has to be for the moment. I’m cutting back on work and I’m cutting back on fun evenings out.

I didn’t have a session last week and have my last session with my current counsellor this week. I’m getting bored of counselling and think I need a break before going back and would happily try something else if there was something else to try. Trying to look at what I have achieved this year is going to be difficult as at the moment any achievement seems irrelevant to the struggle to get through the day. I’m barely doing any exercise and as for HAES or trying to put myself first, well it’s bloody difficult. I’m watching more crap on television and reading for books for pleasure as I haven’t the enthusiasm for anything else. That’s about as far as looking after me goes at the moment. And I’m angry that I feel like shit.

 

My Sodding Father

Tags

dithering, father, holidays, rant

It fucking hurts. And to be honest the fact that a simple email gets to me so much that I can cry really pisses me off. I want to get to the point when it really no longer affects me. But that’s like saying I don’t want my parents to care or to try.

In spite of having spent some two hours talking about holidays, anything more than a quick day trip into London is too much for my father. This in spite of the fact that he can happily go away for two weeks with my mother without a problem, although they are cutting back on these too. So why why talk about spending a week together and wanting to see more of them? Are my children really that exhausting or is it really too much for them? And as for my mother coming too, well she values her days without my father too much to come with him more than occasionally. I’m glad her peace and quiet is more important than watching her grandchildren grow up.

There’s a temptation to just write back and say that if it’s all too much effort, then why bother. But I have the feeling we might never talk to each other again in that case.

On the one hand the shorter and more routine his visits are the easier they will be to cope with. On the other hand I’d like him, I’d like both of them to think that spending time with their grandchildren and paying them attention is important enough for them to make a few sacrifices. I’d also like it if they did this to see their grandchildren, not out of a need to support me.

If I said any of this to them my father would be hurt and explain that it’s nothing personal, but they are getting old and it’s difficult and I shouldn’t get wound up about these things. Of course they support me but it’s just not practical. He would be totally bewildered that he’d upset me, but without understanding why.

I don’t know where to go with all this. I’m fed up, really fed up that I’m still seeking approval, presence, love, whatever it is, but I don’t really know how to stop. I suppose that I don’t feel that I really matter; that he comes to see us out of a sense of duty and responsibility, not out of love. What it really comes down to is that I don’t feel loved by them, either of them and that is what all this is about. Still.

Half Way Through

Tags

exercise, food, good habits, HAES, me, pressure, priorities, smoking, thinking, time

We’re half way through the holidays and I’m only just beginning to take the time to think about me.

I’ve made a good effort at writing this blog more regularly; I’ve gone back to thinking about HAES. I touched the Wii yesterday for the first time in months. I’ve started thinking about what I’m cooking in advance and I’ve started trying to add more fibre back into my food and balancing my diet more.

But it all takes time and thought and energy. I’m not going to have time to get set into new good habits before we go back to school and other pressures will take priority. I need to find a way of addressing this or I will never give myself the time.

When I stopped smoking over 5 years ago, I spent a good year thinking about it beforehand. I read Alan Carr’s book which helped a little, and was further helped by someone who said they’d read it 6 times before stopping. This made me realise the amount of thinking I had to do. But I did. I renounced my desire for smoking mentally, before I put that last cigarette out and as a result I quit without patches and without all  that feeling of deprivation that had gone along previous efforts. I wanted to not be a smoker so I was.

I need to perform the same sort of mindswitch here. The biggest and slowest switch is to throw out much of my ingrained habits formed one way or another by my parents and childhood. That’s a work in progress but I’m finally beginning to really understand how pervasive my childhood is and how much it affects everything. There’s a lot to unlearn, but I’m getting better at recognising the thoughts and feelings I need to throw out. I do need to think about what, if anything, I say to my parents about all this but that’s almost a separate issue.

Writing the previous few posts have made me realise other mindswitches I need to make.

In Fat Is My Prison I realise for the very first time how much my parents’ attitude towards sport and exercise has worked against me. They only value walking as exercise, nothing else. I taught myself to swim and did quite a bit of that when young, mainly because we had a marvellous and cheap swimming pool. That fell off when we returned to England and it wasn’t such a pleasure any more. I also learned to ride a bike with the help of 2sis and used that to go off cycling round the streets although I never got into going on big days out on it. Riding a bike is also something that stopped when I returned to London. Having learned on safe streets with good cycle paths I cycled to Weybridge once and was absolutely terrified and never got on a bike again. I do occasionally think about starting again, with all the riverside paths we have but this is something I feel I ought to rather than I want to.

Writing We’re Eternally Hungry has forced me to re-evaluate my diet. I always used to think my diet wasn’t that bad because I didn’t eat a lot of cakes, creams and puddings. Again this goes back to my parents. Nice sponge cakes with a bit of jam or icing in were all right but for the most part puddings were not deemed ‘proper food’ although we did indulge in the occasional patisserie. Just about the last time my mother made me cry was when she ridiculed me for wanting an ice-cream after a meal. The children could have one but it’s a childish thing to eat so why on earth was I bothering. I know that sounds petty and ridiculous but it hurt. Why was I not allowed to enjoy the simple pleasure of having an ice-cream along with my sons and nephews just because she didn’t want one. So I grew up with savoury=good; sweet=bad mentality. Chocolate is an indulgence we permit ourselves. So I need to throw out all that as well as all the diet indoctrination that goes on in my head.

I don’t really know how I’m going to keep up this level of thinking when term starts again. To write this blog, I need a good hour’s peace which I find in the morning if we’re not going to school or elsewhere or in the evening once they’ve settled down. I feel too much pressure on the hours while they’re at school to use that time to write which is something I need to try and address but that goes back to prioritising me over work which I find difficult. So I need to think more about that.

I also need to make the time to play on the Wii, something I don’t need peace and quiet for and don’t have to do in a solid chunk. Again I hear the thoughts that you don’t start burning fat until you’ve done at least half an hour so anything less is wasted. I need to throw out that thought and think that actually 20 minutes can make my muscles ache and that strengthening my muscles and making me stronger and healthier is actually what it’s about rather than as a source of weight loss (which according to research is a fallacy anyway). So if I can break it into 20 minute chunks that makes it a lot easier to squeeze it in during the day in a way that doesn’t make me feel that it’s pushing other higher priorities out of the way.

When I stopped smoking, I wasn’t working. But I didn’t have all my children at school yet either. So pressure was still there, just in a different way. I managed to find the time then to do what I needed to do. I need to find the time again.

I also need to continue to think about the implications of my reluctance to take the time to think about me, to not see this as a luxury but as a necessity. I still need to learn to value myself more, to prioritise looking after myself as essential and to take the time I need to do what I need to do. For me.

Powerless

Tags

angry, control, decisions, feel, game, rant, rules

My source of sanity

When I was around the 10-11 age I got two expensive presents: a new bike and a radio-cassette player. I mentioned this back in a chapter of my autobiography. My parents had encouraged me to learn to ride so I could have some independence (and get out of their hair more) and had persuaded 2sis to teach me to ride on an old second-hand bike they had bought. After I learned to ride it for some reason I smashed it into a lamp post. I begged for a new one with racing handlebars rather than another second-hand one. I had to pay half of it, which considering I got limited pocket money, didn’t receive money for chores and had no other means of earning any meant that I had to save up said pocket money for six months or so. Having a bike also meant I could cycle to and from the rail station on the way to school thus saving my mother the car journey.

My radio cassette player, with headphones, was a means of escaping the world and listening to the local radio station until late at night. I still have the cassettes I recorded off this and it lasted 20-25 years which for however much it cost then is really quite a bargain. It’s possibly the only gadget I look upon with love. But along with the bike I had to fight for it as well as pay for it. My parents didn’t believe in spending more than £20-25 on birthday or Christmas presents (otherwise we’d all be spoilt brats you understand). I had to explain that this way I could listen to the radio in my room, rather than disturbing them in the sitting room and could use headphones so not bother them. I used to get in trouble if I’d used the radio downstairs while they were out and hadn’t turned it back to a respectable radio station, let alone left the volume up. My recollection is that it was probably a birthday and Christmas present combined with another six months pocket money.

These were the only large things I remember asking for as presents and they certainly helped changed my life. For that reason they were worth fighting for. I might be able to explain to my mother why I wanted something but even when she was willing it was a case of I’ll have to ask my father. He would ask silly questions like what do you want it for, why do you want it, is it a phase or are you going to get your money’s worth, how much is it? Many of which are perfectly adequate questions but I felt that I, along with my request, was put on trial. I felt I was asking for something that was reasonable, not extravagant and that I was entitled to a few luxuries. I also felt that the battle was worth it. I did once look at starting a train set but gave up as I realised that the cost was extortionate and it really wasn’t worth while although I do remember actually looking at them in a shop with my parents, so they weren’t unwilling to consider things, just unwilling to be generous.

I felt powerless and I resented that. I felt that I had to grovel and that I shouldn’t have to. I felt that their belief that I/we would be spoilt was unreasonable. The value of money was drummed into us, and as I grew older I realised it seemed to be used more when it wasn’t something my father wanted.

When I was 14 I was offered a school trip to Russia for 10 days, 3 cities for £300. That seemed to me a bargain but my father said no. I remember even the trip organiser phoning him up and not being able to get any sense out of him. What I resented then was that he couldn’t give me a good reason. I never bothered asking for skiing trips or the like as these were clearly frivolous. But I thought this was educational and good value for money. I think money was tight then, but I wasn’t in the know and my father never said, “We can’t afford it”. Words I would not, could not have argued with. It still rankles because he treated me like a child, making the decision for me which he was certainly entitled to do so, but not giving me an explanation. Maybe he was embarrassed to say he couldn’t have afforded it. Money was always found for my parents’ holidays though.

And that’s another thing. There were different rules for them than there were for me. Now, being parents and child, that’s as should be. I suppose I felt that there was money budgeted for their holidays which became increasingly extravagant as my father earned more money and my sisters finally left home, but that I was left over and there was nothing left over for me. I felt that there were carefully created rules that my parents were playing by, but that they didn’t tell me what the rules were. Certainly they got upset when I said that I didn’t know that money was tight even though I hadn’t been told; we’d moved back to London and bought a house in the centre; that didn’t tell me we had no money. But it was my fault for not working it out.

Now it makes me angry that they ignored me when they wanted to, but expected me to know or agree automatically. When the decision was taken to move back to London, my father came back from the first round of his job interview and we had champagne that evening and my parents were clearly very happy about something but told me they were just celebrating him coming home as if I was that stupid. He then went for his second interview, got the job and they announced that we were moving back, just as I’d settled into my new school and for the first time was relatively content. But they thought I wanted to go back to London. They never asked me or even told me they were considering it and were upset that I didn’t want to go. But my father did ask both my mother and I a few years earlier whether we’d like to move to Berlin. I think we got asked when he hadn’t already decided or to confirm his decision not to.

And that’s ultimately what it’s about. He makes his mind up and then goes through a period of supposed consultation which is fine as long as my mother and/or I agree with him. He decides what I think, and then acts surprised that I don’t always agree with him.

This has rambled for a bit but I’m trying to re-feel that rancour that I felt as well as work out what it is that makes me so angry. I wasn’t allowed a mind of my own but was supposed to copy his.

 

 

The Rules of Engagement

Tags

confrontation, control, discussion, fear, frustration, power, rules

I had a really productive Q&A session with BFF2 which helped clarify my thoughts.

The only other remotely equivalent confrontation I ever had was in getting rid of my ex. We split up but he refused to leave the house and it took a year to get him out and I had 1sis and my mother with me as support. I did it because I knew getting him out of the house was the only way my children and I could hope to have a normal life, that there was no other solution and I’d left it long enough. I was desperate.

I am not currently feeling that desperate, partly because I don’t have that same degree of conviction that I need to do this and that this will enable me to move on. And because I don’t have that same certainty about the need to do this, I’m not pushing myself to do it so I am letting my fear get in the way of resolution.

What is my fear of? My fear is of the way previous attempts to talk to my parents ended up making me feel. Emotionally vulnerable, in tears, I would be crying and feeling lost and scared, anticipating the end of the discussion so I could run away even when I’d instigated it. It hurts to not get acknowledgement of my feelings; it hurts to not get that warmth, support and understanding. It was frustrating trying to explain myself in a way they could understand when they didn’t and possibly couldn’t understand. I am reluctant to repeat all this.

So I need to change the rules. As a teenager or young adult I tried to confront my parents on those few occasions. It was very much a “I want this. You’re not giving it to me. This is why you should”. There was always a feeling that I was on trial, having to explain and justify whatever it was that I wanted, that they had already decided was not in my best interest.

My father controls these conversations by not understanding other people’s points of view. I’ve always regarded this with some sadness and sympathy, feeling sorry that he was unable to empathise. But it’s also a very effective control strategy as it means he just refuses to understand thoughts that aren’t how he thinks and unless I turn myself into him, my arguments are never going to reach him because he won’t let them. He does like to win.

So again, I need to change the rules, to not get into a confrontation that is trying to challenge him, a power struggle I cannot hope to win. I need to be able to make it simple: “you do this. It makes me feel…” It’s then up to him whether he chooses to acknowledge his behaviour and how it makes me feel. That doesn’t mean he has to understand why his behaviour causes my feelings, just that it does. This is easy to say but I’m going to find it a radical departure from normal behaviour to achieve.

Because despite all my wishes, the only thing I can reasonably expect to come out of this, is that I say what I need to say, even though I’m not as yet sure what that is, any sort of acknowledgement or understanding would be an unexpected bonus.

I have spent time worrying about how what I say affects them and their relationship, pondering whether I can say things without telling things my mother has never said to my father, of what all this could do to them if they really listened and started to question their own lives and relationships. I have been protecting them all my life one way or another and it’s time to start protecting me.

Any conversation I need to have therefore needs to have precise boundaries about it: it’s about how what they do makes me feel. And that’s it. Explaining to them why I think they are how they are is not the issue. Explaining who I am is.

I find it very difficult drawing that line. Much of my initial counselling has been about understanding what happened and why my parents did what they did. I’m trying to move on from that understanding to thinking about how it all made me feel and that’s more difficult for me as that is a thought I’ve been taught to squash.

I did draw that line with my mother a few years ago, on the last holiday we spent together. How it came up I cannot recall but  I said that it was time for her to either deal with my father or stop moaning about him, that I didn’t want to hear it any more. She has barely spoken to me since, which is her way of not thinking about her issues. But that is her stuff, her choice, not mine.

Whenever we have had confrontational conversations, my mother has tended to take a back seat and only interject when she could nudge my father in the right direction but she remains passive. In fact the last one we had started off with my father saying to me “Your mother feels that you’re not getting on as well with each other as you used to.” My mother was unable to say that to me herself.

So I need to focus on what they do and how that makes me feel. Before I can focus on what I need to say to them and how.

Time To Come Off the Fence

Tags

anxiety, confrontation, fear, parents, protective bubble, tears

We discussed this whole question of my feeling torn in two directions in counselling.

On the one hand I’m feeling that I’m still in quite a nice place at the moment and I’d like to focus on staying here and feeling good, trying to drive that feeling forward into the future, with hope, joy and a positive disposition.

On the other hand I can’t ever be genuinely happy until I am at peace with myself and that involves digging up emotions I’d prefer to leave buried. We have done the superficial rational looking at my childhood, what happened, why it happened, why my parents are who they are and how all that has permeated my life beyond the obvious. That has been essential at clarifying why I feel the way that I do and also to stop me from feeling quite as responsible and guilty as I had been. I’m still not free of it but this focus has been a vital first step.

What is left is dealing with the emotional turmoil that resulted. This I find incredibly hard as I have been taught to bury all emotions, especially those that aren’t “nice”. By which I mean that it’s OK to get happy about something, but not to get cross. Either way, one shouldn’t get loud.

This goes some way to explaining why I don’t want to confront my parents and there is debate as to what exactly that means. Can I tell them how I feel without bursting their own protective bubble? I find this very difficult to answer. Am I saying no because it’s the truth or just because saying no is easier. Can I tell them how much I feel they’ve messed up my life without dissecting their own lives for them? I either need to find a way round this need I have have to protect them, either by shucking it off or by saying what I need to say about me rather than about them. And if I do burst their own protective bubble, then what’s the harm? It’d be painful, but at best they might learn something and at worse, well would I be any worse off than I am now?

The closer I get to thinking about trying to have some sort of honest conversation with my parents the more I dig my heels in and stall. I’m having to drag myself kicking and screaming into just thinking about and I really don’t know how I’m going to find the courage to say anything.

I’ve got better at complaining about the little things in life; those that are really inconsequential or not personal. I’ve got better at saying “I disagree with you and here’s why”. I’ve even managed to tell friends that they’ve upset me and not dissolve as I do it.

But it seems such a huge leap between that and having an honest conversation with my parents, either of them. I can’t see any smaller interim steps and I can’t see a way of having a small conversation with them.

On an emotional level I’m also just plain scared of bringing up all that frustration I feel when talking to them. I always end up feeling as if I’m put everything into nice simple over-explained phrases and they still don’t get it and then they turn it round to make it my fault. Then at the end they always say that they don’t really get what I’m trying to say.

I see three steps forward. One is to talk to 1sis about all this. I owe her a conversation or 6 anyway as I haven’t been in touch for a while. Second is to think back to those confrontations and try and revisit them, to bring back those emotions and experience them while in a safe place. Third is to actually focus on what I want/need/can say to them.

As a last comment, I shed one tear at counselling while discussing all this. I get closer to proper tears but am fighting that hard too. But one tear is actually progress.

Praise Your Children

Tags

breaking chains, children, counselling, glad, love, parents, Philip Larkin, poetry, praise, self-esteem

The other night, I was out with BFF1 and BFF2 for dinner. A splendid time was had by all. As we were sitting round the table discussing our respective journeys the one thing we clearly had in common was that our parents had imbued us all with a lack of self-esteem and confidence. This goes along with several conversations with different people over the last few weeks. We might all have different stories to tell and we might all have had differing situations and experiences; we might deal with these very differently but the fundamental common point that we all have is that our parents didn’t give us our self-respect, self-esteem and the confidence to be ourselves. From that leads on all the complications that make life so complicated and difficult but it’s all so simple really.

To quote the poet Philip Larkin, in This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

The key here is to not hand on your misery to your children, or indeed to anyone else. Counselling in whatever form you may take is all about breaking the chains of childhood, of taking help to choose to not be that way any more, to break free of your upbringing and in turn your parents’ upbringing and forge your own way.

But while I’m trying to break free myself, I’m also trying to do better by my children than I was done by.

So I tell them that I love them, frequently, often and especially after I’ve shouted at them or told them off. Love is unconditional; it’s not about exam results or how well they behave. I love them because they’re mine and no matter what they do they can’t change that. It’s not negotiable and it’s not conditional.

I praise them and admire their achievements, however trivial they seem. That doesn’t mean telling them they’re absolutely brilliant at everything because they’re not stupid. It does mean celebrating their work and accomplishments. One of the most hurtful sights I ever saw in the school playground was some parent binning his child’s artwork before they’d even left the school premises. My children’s artwork and certificates have decorated the kitchen walls ever since they brought them home. They may not be masterpieces but my kids spent time and effort and creative imagination making these and that’s worth celebrating. We take photos of their Lego creations and stick them on Facebook and spread them around. We take pride in what they’ve made, not just in exam results although we certainly get proud about those but about reading, creating, imagining, thinking, asking difficult questions, caring for each other, being considerate. And of course just for being cuddly.

When they say they want to be an astronaut, a professional footballer, a scientist or prime minister, I don’t say that their chances are slim, but that they can be if they are willing to work hard, get fit, keep fit, practice, think, read, eat vegetables, whatever it takes; all they need is determination. Time enough if they try and go down a route and find that they don’t have what it takes to face that reality. At the moment, when they’re young they need the confidence to believe they can do whatever they want to do, that life can be whatever they choose it to be.

I am not at all suggesting that my children are wonderful all the time. They have their fair share of tantrums, name-calling, shouting and swearing at each other. 4son can slam the door louder than anyone else in the family and they all lie occasionally about who broke what where and why. But again I think it’s important to let them know that I still love them even when they’re being difficult, that the two are not related.

My parents did none of this and I find myself jealous of my children as I write this. I’m trying to give them what I didn’t have but wanted. I don’t remember our artwork on the wall, I don’t even remember photos of us as children being up although certainly photos of the grandchildren are now everywhere in their home. Exam results were always criticised for the marks I lost rather than the marks earned. I could do better. Well yes, but when can’t you do better? My parents never told me they loved me and when I did complain about this, aged 16 or so, my mother said “but I thought you knew”.

Sometimes it’s just nice to be told. Preferably on a daily basis.

There you are. I tell my children I love them. I tell them that they’re marvellous and capable. I tell them they can be whoever they want to be and that their strength lies within and if they want to achieve, they can achieve.

I’ll let you know in 20 years whether it’s worked.

Shush, Don’t Tell

Tags

emotions, piggy in the middle, protect, suicide

Why do I still want to protect my parents? Because I always have is the short answer.

Before we moved abroad at the age of 7 I was not aware of any tensions between my parents. As far as I can remember, it started off with my mother saying “we’ll do things his way, because it’s easier”. She referred to him as “the big bad wolf” and talked about the need to protect me from him. She and I very quickly got into the habit of having things we would do when he wasn’t around and wouldn’t approve of, like watching rubbish on television when he was out for the evening. There was that feeling that we had to dance attendance on him and be formal when he was at home and could only relax when he wasn’t.

But at the same time I was trying to forge my own relationship with my father. He used to take me out for a meal every 3 months or so and we would talk, about me, about school, his work, world affairs, many things. I would be on my best behaviour and there might be a stern talking to if necessary. I also persuaded him to take me climbing, as something he enjoyed doing that I wanted to. It didn’t last long as I realised that he was so scared for me that he was just transferring his fear to me so there was no point in continuing as he was just teaching me to be afraid where I hadn’t been before. I was protecting him then by not giving him a cause to be afraid. Even when we went out for dinner I was protecting him by not repeating anything my mother had said and I was certainly protecting her at the same time.

As I grew older it got worse. My mother talked more about her marriage and also her feeling that she was “piggy in the middle” between me and my father as well as most of the other relationships in the family. Eventually my father started asking me how my mother was and how he could help, sensing that there were issues he didn’t understand and that she couldn’t explain or wasn’t willing to. I would give him little bits of advice that I thought he could understand.

Some of all this stopped when we moved back to England. We were all miserable and all stopped talking to each other it seemed. My father got ill; my mother got depressed and went on anti-depressants for the first and only time in her life but it only lasted six months as she “pulled herself together and got on with life”. I think she gave up therapy far too early as she was scared of what might have happened if she had continued. The my father started his affair. Both 1sis and myself knew about it early on although neither of us said anything to either parent, protecting both of them against discovery. In fact I remember 1sis helping support his alibi when the climbing friend my father was supposed to be away with rang up to check on details for meeting the following day.

But still, I developed into being “piggy in the middle” between the two of them, listening to my mother complain about him and, as I grew older, tell me more about how difficult she had found being married to him. Discovering his affair made her think about leaving him but she was too scared at the prospect of starting life over and was worried about the lack of financial security that would come with. My father would carry on asking me about my mother, what he could do to make her happier.

1sis as a teenager threw tantrums and the occasional plate that would end up in floods of tears. My mother would leave these to my father to deal with although she could manage 2sis’ epileptic fits. 2sis as a teenager did argue with my father a lot at mealtimes but that always ended up with her leaving the room in floods of tears. When we were younger my 2 sisters used to fight, at first physically then it became verbal abuse. It never resolved anything and they still don’t get on particularly well but now solve that by hardly seeing each other. My parents never shouted at each other, never raised their voice. Any issue would be calmly discussed and options examined.

It has taken me now to realise that we simply didn’t do emotions. Emotions are messy things that can get in the way of five year plans. It took me a long time to realise that while my mother was warm and cuddly on the surface, she didn’t do emotional problems, simply couldn’t handle them. The only emotions she allowed were on the surface.

I really fell out with my mother a year into therapy when two things happened. I told her that I didn’t want to hear her moan about my father any more, that she should either accept him or deal with him. She told me, laughingly about 1sis’ suicide attempt when she had to have her stomach pumped and that my mother hadn’t gone to her bedside. That horrified me and still does. We barely speak now, my mother having chosen to withdraw and I’m not willing to make the effort. My father is a lot easier than he was when I was growing up, and at least is aware that many things in life seem to have slipped him by, although he doesn’t see the point in having friends or being happy so he’s only at the start of his journey. He thinks that life is pretty wonderful, that my mother is simply perfect and that he has succeeded at life and I’m scared to burst his bubble.

I have the feeling that if I could get them to see any of these truths that their whole lives could come crashing down around them and I would feel responsible and guilty. I would be the one who had rocked the boat. The fact that the boat is imaginary in the first place and they’ve just been pretending all their lives wouldn’t enter into it.