A Plan, Sort Of

Tags

2son, beautiful you, catch up, plan, reflection, school

Having said I need a plan for where to go next, after having completed our TA questions, I think I have come up with one.

I was searching for self-awareness writing prompts, which came up with a lot of lists that were a little bit relevant but not very and then I remembered that I had tried this with Rosie Molinary‘s Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance some six years ago.

Giving you a prompt for every day for a year it offers a reflection to consider or an action to take. I only managed a dozen or so before I gave up but I am going to have another attempt. This time I’m going to use the second edition which I bought (she gifted me the first). When I have journaled previously I shall compare and contrast, hoping that I’ve grown in the last six years (which I know I have). Since I’ve now got two copies I’ve leant one to my therapist so we can discuss.

It’s a good plan but time for reflection has suddenly shrunk. We had our course residential weekend which went well but was exhausting and I haven’t finished post weekend reflections and write ups. We have two small essays due soon and two more big ones that both need preparation for. I do not feel at the moment that I have time enough to process the work we are doing and I feel that I am playing eternal catch up.

I had a day visiting 2son’s school where the snow didn’t permit me to visit him, closely followed by the residential weekend. I then spent three days with 2son taking him for a day trip to a potential new school. This is hugely exciting as I visited it in November and it’s taken us this long for him to be willing to visit. They have offered him an assessment next week when he stays for two nights and I have to be around in case of need so that’s next week devoted to him. I really had my doubts until he got into the car as to whether he would come or not. I didn’t know what we would do if he didn’t as he’s a bit big for me to throw over my shoulder and the staff aren’t permitted to be physical with him. So inside I was panicking all the way. I went to collect him and he was still in bed but he opened his eyes to me which was a relief and then he threw me out so he could get dressed. After five minutes I was clock-watching wondering how long it takes him to get dressed. Anyway it was all splendid. He visited the school and two houses, one on a par with his current house and one for the more independent student. Everyone was nice and he did ask lots of questions but seemed as relaxed with it all as he could be. So maybe I won’t worry quite as much about next week.

I did take my course work with me but failed to do any of it other than a bit of reading as I really wasn’t in the mood. Unfortunately I do not have the luxury of not being in the mood at the moment. Work is just being let go for these busy weeks.

So having decided that I’m going to use Beautiful You as a writing prompt I have yet to write #1. Here’s to the future.

Advertisements

Benefits Bonanza Day

Tags

2son, £25000, benefits, council, disaster, housing benefit, overpayment, support

I telephoned the CAB on Thursday. I asked whether I should appeal on the basis that I didn’t know what was going on and wasn’t getting any information or whether I should keep pursuing getting a statement of reasons. They said they would refer me to a specialist which would call back within 48 hours. I realised this might mean Monday morning and tried to set it aside.

I tried to take charge of something and applied for child benefit for 2son as the CAB had advised me to do, saying if I got it for the next few months that I’m entitled to, then I can appeal to have it backdated based on incorrect advice given. As it turned out, I’m glad I got that moving.

I emphasis the “tried”. People ask me how I am and in my head I’m answering that everything is actually really positive except for this massive disaster that’s looming over me. How much of that answer I actually give depends on who they are. Even then the reply tends to be me “oh that’s awful” before moving onto something else. People who don’t get benefits, who haven’t had to rely on the state simply do not realise how terrifying these things are.

A Really Hard Week

Tags

2son, 3son, 4son, emotional, rope, suicide, teenager

I know it can get harder but this really pushed me to my limit. And then some. It started so well.

Last week 3son threw a wobbly at the idea of reverting to how we had been before summer came along, with all three of us on computers in the same room. I’d started it that way years ago when they were younger so that I could keep an eye on what they were doing on the computer and occasionally chat to them. Once I got over being angry with my son for being difficult I realised that actually he was right and it would be nice to not have to listen them play their computer games online and shout at all their team mates.

So we spent Sunday moving everything about and I did a fair bit of cleaning with the result that I have a lovely new office that has no space for everyone else and they have their computers upstairs where I don’t have to listen to them and all seemed well.

3son has been increasingly difficult, with the stress of exams and a lack of identity making him a troubled teenager. He hasn’t found his place in the world and is worried there isn’t one. He gets very angry and upset. He has some good friends he can talk to, but there is a lot in his head that he never lets out. He has tried counselling a few times but has never really clicked with the counsellor and has never given himself up to the process. Hence every so often it all explodes and he often goes for a long walk to calm himself down, usually late at night. It’s not ideal but it works.

This time however, he took a rope.

He told a couple of friends that he’d gone out and bought a rope and one of them was concerned enough to get in touch with 4son and the two of use looked at the screen grabs of chat between 3son and his friends and wondered whether we needed to panic or not. We decided that yes we did. Naturally 3son was refusing to answer his phone but he eventually told his friend where he was and I drove off to find him before he moved on. As I did I wondered how I’d cope if I couldn’t drive and had to rely on others for help. We ended up going for a two hour random drive as he refused to come home, saying he didn’t want to sleep at home but didn’t have any friends he could stay with that night. So we went for a rambling drive and talked about stuff.

We talked about him not being sure about what he wanted to do or how to achieve it. He doesn’t have a passion for any of his subjects and he realises he finds it hard to work well if he’s not really interested in something. He wants something to engage him and is feeling lost. I did my best to reassure and he did end up signing up for as many enrichment classes as he can in order to just try things out. But I’m not sure he’s willing to put enough energy into anything and he needs to in order to find out whether a subject or activity can really grab him.

We also spent some time talking about my childhood. I’ve always glossed over it as he was too young for me to really discuss it but I found myself driving on a road I used to live on and so we talked about my parents and growing up in London when we were all unhappy and my dad’s affair and me being unhappy at school. I think in some ways it really helped him to realise that I had been there and did know what he was talking about. I’m not just trying to be a good parent but I do empathise with him. I do remember being his age and I do remember thinking that life really and truly sucked. I told him about my half assed overdose and again that bonded us.

It was a long and exhausting evening and a week on I still don’t feel I have recovered. 3son is going around as if nothing has happened which really makes 4son angry. 4son was brilliant, getting in touch with 3son’s friends and guessing passwords and trying to use track my phone to find 3son. He was incredibly responsible and mature and I’m exceedingly proud of him but it affects him too.

I feel drained, as if I had been wrung dry. Then of course I had to wake up the next morning and start on my counselling course whereas I felt I had done my quota of counselling for the next month or so. On top of that I’m trying to write my next letter about funding for 2son who has had an excellent year but they have decided that one more year will do him. The haven’t got any basis for the decision but I just can’t find the words to express how I feel. I can; it just involves an awful of of rude words and suggestions. My MP has agreed to write a letter of support which is nice, but she needs me to draft it so it has the right points in it so I have two to write. I haven’t been in mood which is no surprise but the clock is ticking and I need to sort it out. I’m going up on Tuesday for a meeting with school and 2son and hope that will invigorate me.

So yes, this week has been tough, and I wonder how long it will take before it gets better. I have to believe that it will one day. 3son will grow up and will find his way. In the meantime it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

 

A Miserable Relief

Tags

2son, ASD, camhs, fear of institutionalisation, placement panel, SEN, senior management, social care, social services

After three weeks of chasing an ever-increasing number of people at the council they have finally more or less agreed to fund 2son through the summer after he returned to school. Final confirmation will wait until somebody returns from holiday on Monday. So it’s agreed, but we’ve been asked not to tell 2son until it’s agreed.

I resent bitterly the fact that people I’ve never met, whose names I barely know and whose titles I’m only vaguely aware of make such momentous decisions about our life. The people who do talk to me directly refer to them as “senior management” which couldn’t get much more faceless as a description.

It’s been a tough three weeks. I’ve had to dig my heels in and say phrases I don’t want to have to say.

He can’t come home.

It’s Been a While…

Tags

2son, funding, therapy

Well we’ve had three months of 2son at home. It’s been a long and lonely time. Our social worker has improved. He listens to what I say and acts upon it although it does help if I tell him what to do. But he’s still here.

We finally got 2son back to school with the presence of the social worker, a placement officer for an alternative placement and a call to the police. I then had to take him up to school, stay overnight and come back again.

Relief was short lived as funding for his placement has run out so he is there for 3 weeks until the end of term. The council are not minded to fund him for over the summer. They might fund him again from September.

So a strongly worded letter has been sent.

In other news…

Therapist is lovely and I enjoy working with her. I increasingly come home wanting to write but quite frankly at the moment I haven’t the energy, hence the long gap. We’re spending less time talking about food and more about my parents, which is necessary. She said today that that she heard “I want to break free” by Queen as my song, in that I want to break free from my parents, my children, anything that ties me down.

So life is a bit shit at the moment. There’s so much more to say but I’m really not motivated to say it.

Failed Intervention

Tags

2son, camhs, education, future, placement, social worker

So it’s been 3 weeks since 2son announced he wasn’t going back to school. Since then we’ve had a visit from the new social worker, who has yet to sound as if he doesn’t need further support and training.

Ten days after the announcement we had a meeting at school (attended over the joys of the internet by me) with about seven members of staff (which is why it took so long to happen) to discuss the options. No one from council, whether care or SEN was able to attend. The best plan was to knock 2son out and bung him in the back of the car and drive him up. It’s still a tempting option.

Disaster Strikes

Tags

2son, disaster, education, social worker

2son’s return to school was delayed by a week due to their not having any water. When I finally woke him up after a day of trying to get him in his taxi back to school, he informed me that he wasn’t going and that he’d decided this a week before the Easter holidays.

So I phoned up the school to let them know and phoned up the duty social worker to ask whether someone could please pick this up. His last social worker (5th in 2014) left during the Easter holidays. To be fair I got a phone call from the manager the next morning at 9:02am clarifying the situation. We have an emergency meeting booked for the school this week but not until Thursday as that’s the earliest all their staff can get together.

Stuck in a Rut Again

Tags

2sis, 2son, 3son, 4son, driving, frustration, rut, tired, work

I am so fed up. Fed up with being tired and not having enough sleep. This may sound familiar as it’s certainly not the first time.

3son is determined to never go to bed before midnight and I can’t go to sleep leaving him up as I just worry about him going to be. So I stay up every night until I’m so absolutely shattered that I can’t not sleep before him. The trouble is, if I leave him up on the computer he’ll stay there for a couple of hours, and if he is off he is likely to go for a bath, anything to delay going to bed. He gets up early as well and seems to function on not a lot of sleep. The trouble is I don’t.

I really have lost the will at the moment. I think I am just fed up with the same old routines every day at home and the same old arguments. We’re stuck and we don’t go out as a family any more. It hardly ever happens. I know that’s certainly fairly normal at these ages (12 and 14) but 3son will usually not go out at the weekend at all. If I say anything to him at all, I get the “It’s a wonder I can function at all, the way I feel” kind of attitude. I know he’s finding growing up hard but it’s exhausting trying to talk to him. If he’s not telling me how much he is suffering he is telling me how much the world is suffering and how stupid the people are in it.

Mind the Funding Gap

Tags

2son, CHiRP, funding, schooling, SEN, social worker

So it’s been four weeks since 2son left for his assessment. It’s been successful but that’s not the issue.

After week 2 I contacted his social worker to find out whether he was working on getting permanent funding organised, only to find out he was on holiday for the week. So I contacted Special Needs who said don’t worry about the funding, as long as he’s offered a place we’ll fund it and approve it later. Or words to that effect. On Monday of week 4 therefore I get in touch with the social worker to find out what’s happening. The panel who need to meet to agree funding are going to meet this coming Monday, in other words week 5. I see a problem.

Would the council possibly consider funding 2son  from Saturday to Monday or do I have to go and get him on Friday and possibly return him on Tuesday if funding is agreed? I ask this on Tuesday, on Wednesday and on Thursday. On Friday the school contact me to ask if I have heard anything. I explain the situation and they phone back several hours later to say they’ll keep him until next Thursday. How kind I say, as nobody has got back to me from the council. While worrying about all this I’ve also been trying to get ahead with work so that I can take Friday off if necessary. Now we’re waiting for Monday to happen.

On top of that little funding problem the social worker tells me that he doubts very much that the panel will agree to fund him for 52 weeks and will probably just agree the term time. He says it would be “helpful” if 2son spent his time at home terrorising his brothers and offering them violence but that continuity of care is the only argument he has. He said he would ask for funding of this Summer holiday on the basis that 2son has settled in nicely; it’s been a while and it would be good to have him ready to go in September.

On Thursday therefore I sit down and write a letter to the panel. I talk about the fact that 2son hasn’t been anywhere for 4 years, has hardly spoken to anyone in that time who isn’t immediate family or professionals. Therefore he needs the holiday time to get used to people and to going out and actually doing things. I waffle on about the changes in the last four weeks and how much easier it’s been for the three of us at home. I get his younger brothers to write something themselves that I then scan in to prove they really did write it and send the whole thing off on Friday. Hopefully the panel will take note of it and hopefully it will help the social worker prepare his arguments. I also had a list of arguments from my friend who supports parents of children with special needs.

The last few days I have been a bundle of nerves. I’m keeping Thursday clear in case I have to travel up and collect 2son. He’s been kept in the dark about all this so that he doesn’t worry or withdraw as he did when he was about to be kicked out from the Priory.

I wouldn’t mind any of this debate half as much if I thought the CHiRP panel were actually going to consider 2son’s best needs and the welfare of the rest of us, rather than the cost.

A Silent House

Tags

2son, assessment, peace, residential, school, silence, son

It feels weird.

I have a house that is silent in the day time unless the phone rings. I haven’t even been playing music or radio during the day because there is no gaming noise to mute. I can listen to the silence.

I went up on Monday with 2son. Despite refusing to go out and buy shoes that he needed he actually had a bath and washed his hair and shaved on the morning. So not bad. We got to the school, found his room and he unpacked and put it all away. We had a quick look round his classroom and some of the places we hadn’t seen last time and that was it. We met half a dozen teachers and therapists as well as what seemed like another half a dozen day and night carers and workers.

He’s in a “house” which is a first floor above classrooms with around 4 other students, all of whom seem to play the same silly video games as he does so that’s a good introduction. He seems to be settling in well and I’m getting daily updates from his key worker as to how his life’s going. He seems quite happy and settled. Already.

My fear now is that we’ve only got four weeks funding. They may extend it for another 4 weeks or they may decide to fund it properly. In which case they were murmuring about why did he need 38 weeks rather than the full 52. I wouldn’t mind the conversation if I thought it was about anything but cost. My brilliant social worker is leaving at the beginning of August and I hope he’s going to find time to fight the next round of requests for funding.

Here I am, running away into the future. 2son has only been away two full days so far and I’m trying not to panic about what goes after. I’m certainly not being mindful and enjoying the present. But we know that 2son may have to come back after his four weeks because funding is not agreed and that would not be good for him or us. We all need to know.

In the meantime I’m trying to learn to enjoy the peace and quiet during the daytime without it feeling empty. I have a little bit more energy to spend with the other two and that’s good for them. I’m also putting my feet up and relaxing in the afternoon rather than trying to Get Things Done.