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Fighting For Sanity

~ counsellor, mindful, single parent of 4 men

Fighting For Sanity

Tag Archives: benefits

It’s All About the Money

13 Thu Sep 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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benefits, budget, council tax, finance, housing benefit, loss, money

I thought I was having a bad day when I just read a Facebook post from an acquaintance who announced the loss of his son in an accident this morning. There is nothing like genuine bad news to make you realise that your problems are totally surmountable and irrelevant.

Having said that, I’m going back to me, whilst feeling for a family in grief.

Over the last few weeks 3son has revelled in his work and getting paid for the first time. It was late and he’s still waiting for a payslip. Housing Benefit have been most interested in his apprenticeship and have informed us that he now owes £98 odd a week in rent. The facts suggests the figure should be more like £75 but when have facts got in the way.

Today I got the announcement from Tax Credits about my current entitlement which has now plummeted after having lost 2son and now 3 son. It’s not quite in single digits but it’s close.

I also received Council Tax bill which has swapped from my having overpaid by £300 to being under by £600 as they seem to have wiped my single person discount for the entire year rather than when he started work and by charging the full whack, which I’m not sure is correct.

3son threw a bit of a hissy fit when I said his portion of the rent was £100. I didn’t expect it to be that much. He’s calmed down but it doesn’t exactly incentivise him and I haven’t mentioned council tax as well. I now feel churlish if I ask him for a financial contribution towards food and bills, which was the rent he was looking forward to paying.

I also, quite frankly, feel scared about the reduction in credits/benefits. These are the sums I will have to sustain us on over the next two years while I complete my training as a counsellor and can get a proper job. I’m also thinking of ditching one of my part time jobs now, because I can’t get motivated about it enough to do it properly and I can’t make myself care. I may have to get myself a part time job to make up but I only don’t see how I can fit it in. I haven’t sat down and really looked at how much I will have coming in and what I can cut. I was allowing myself an evening of feeling a bit sorry for myself before facing up to reality.

I knew this would happen but it seems to have happened all at once and housing benefit have got it wrong yet again but we have to pay first and argue later. I feel that I’m getting so close to almost starting a new life with a proper job and independent children and all that jazz but all of a sudden I am wondering how I’m going to make it financially. I don’t want to have to go back to penny pinching and I do know that I’m really lucky not to have been that badly off for the last however many years but I’m tired of fighting my case and arguing for benefits and tax credits that I am entitled to. Bank errors are never in my favour.

It does however all fade away in comparison to losing a child. I feel bad for writing all this but this is what is making me feel bad right now and the whole “my pain is lesser than your pain” argument might be true but it doesn’t actually diminish my pain. But still, my heart goes out to a family who will not sleep for many a night to come.

Moving On

24 Tue Jul 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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benefits, gratitude, progress

Finally a positive result from benefits people. I got a woman who acknowledged that it would be quite nice if I got calculation sheets and after investigation discovered that the option to produce the missing calculation sheets I have been asked for was turned off over two years ago. She apologised profusely and said she would produce them for me. I also asked about the Disabled Child Premium that is supposed to apply to housing benefit after claiming DLA. Anyway she will send me a massive envelope through the mail and then I will have to sit down and go through it all seriously which will bore me rigid but after having spent a year asking for these I better go through them with a fine tooth comb.

Other than that, a lazy afternoon as it is too hot to think or do anything. I had a positive therapy session. We talked about the changes I am making now and the transformation in me since I started with her which is over two years. I inwardly preened when she said I had made most progress of all her clients and had to remind myself that it wasn’t a competition and I didn’t need a pat on the back from anyone as I know how much progress I have made. I still do not acknowledge it enough or feel grateful enough for where I am. Today’s Daily Calm was about gratitude and it struck a chord as I spend more time bemoaning lost years and less time feeling pride in where I am now. I am improving which is at least in the right direction. Improving is the wrong word though. I am becoming better at being me. I am unsquishing myself.

Lost in Concentration

22 Sun Jul 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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benefits, concentration, focus

I was watching a film in the background my son was watching. That finished. I put on some background to listen to and all of a sudden I realised it was half past one in the morning. I had been focused on a spreadsheet for five hours or so.

If only it had been a really exciting spreadsheet I was working on, but alas I had decided to really see what I could glean together for my benefits meeting on Tuesday. It wasn’t enough time but I do have a clearer picture. I still don’t know whether their calculations add up to what they say they do and I’m missing most of the figures but it is looking more likely to be correct ish.

It is of course the “ish” that annoys me. I should be able to source all the figures and make them all add up to the balance owed. I can’t. I got lost trying to work out the difference between current rent and arrears owed which is the point at which I switched it off. So many questions to ask and which ones will actually be worth asking?

It also begged the probably more important point of focus. I did get lost in the paperwork and the numbers. I haven’t got lost in paid work like that for a long time, or indeed anything else much. I flitter here and there and get bored very quickly. I’ll have to think about whether that is my just being bored with work or whether my ability to focus has just plummeted. What makes me so able to focus on some things but not on others?

Five Minutes Peace

02 Mon Jul 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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absence, benefits, finance, peace

3son got a last minute invitation to join a friend on a few days holiday. So he left and all was peaceful with just two of us. And then the post arrived. I have Tax Credits to review, which seem to be dropping about £10k so that’s not good. A few hours later I got an email from the woman I had gone to see regarding my housing benefits dispute to say she’d reviewed the file which said I’d clearly received the paperwork I’ve been asking for for the last year so as far as she was concerned it was case closed.

I put that email to one side to deal with tomorrow. When we met last week I very clearly said this piece of paper and not that one and brought out examples to show her. I can’t even think of any sensible reason to lie about this as it gains me nothing.

4son and I settled down and watch both World Cup games tonight, without being interrupted and without a running commentary. It doesn’t matter which child is not here, the level of peace always goes up and we have three nights of it. I hope to make the most of it.

Assertive

25 Mon Jun 2018

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assertive, benefits, meeting, visible

So I had my little meeting with benefits person who was clearly there to defend the system. She acknowledged no fault and almost accused me of lying when I said I hadn’t received all the paperwork. She clearly wasn’t going to admit anything and it was all my fault. I am so glad there was a witness.

However, while I didn’t say everything I could have I was nicely assertive in calling her out and pointing out what was wrong. She didn’t believe me and that just made me so angry. But I kept my calm, didn’t descend into a puddle and made my point forcefully.  My witness said afterwards that he’d never seen such stonewalling from an officer in that department.

It probably won’t go anywhere after all that. I will still have to pay back whatever it is that I may or may  not owe but at least I’m being difficult. And not invisible. I shouldn’t have to go through this and I was wondering how those with poor English or less self-esteem than I have manage or whether they just give up.

I do wonder whether I would be better off just accepting my lot and getting on with it. After all I have better things to worry about. But it has riled me that I am just expected to accept that I owe £7,000 odd in overpaid benefits (which is much better than the £25k they started off with) and meekly pay it back. Clearly the assumption is that it is all my fault.

It does wind me up and make me angry and I’m not happy with that. I have got bigger things to feel annoyed by.

Housing Benefits Saga

18 Mon Jun 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal, personal

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anxiety, benefits, housing benefit, parents

My local councillor offered me an appointment next week to talk to a benefits person about my long going dispute and it scared me. Writing letters is one thing; a face to face is another. I need to do it as I need to get it sorted but this feels like putting my life in someone else’s hands and I don’t like doing it. My anxieties rise to the fore: will they listen, will they answer, will they belittle, will they engage. I feel like I’m going with my begging bowl rather than as a capable adult who just wants some explanations.

It’s not just the six years they investigated either. It’s ongoing as children get older and their status changes. I have no means of checking the figures if they don’t provide them and I feel helpless.

Some aspects of this bizarrely remind me of my feelings towards my parents. You think it is one thing, that happened but is lingering and yet it keeps come back to annoy and each time they don’t respond I feel invisible, ignored and aged about ten.

However, I recognise the need to get it out of my head so, unlike with my parents, I will make the appointment and I will try and resolve it so it stops taking up headspace.

 

 

 

Another Weird Day

16 Sat Jun 2018

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benefits, food, pride, weird

It was a long day. The car passed its MOT on the second go. The creak I’d heard was bits about to collapse but at least I’m now done with worrying about it for a while.

4son has been really good at sending pics and videos of what he’s doing, which is clearly having a blast with his mates so that’s good. I’m really proud of him.

3son did his battle rap which will eventually go online. He did well and I’m proud of him. Two of his friends came with and we sat around for hours waiting for it to happen as the advertised time was clearly bollocks. 3son, 1son and I then went out for celebratory dinner for 1son’s birthday. We ended up going Japanese which proved far too rich/spicy/something for my stomach and it’s the first meal for a long time that I just simply didn’t enjoy.

I am feeling slightly weirded out at the moment. I haven’t quite taken up one of my projects that I need to do now we have time and I’m not feeling pressurised to do anything very much and therefore I’m not doing anything, including the stuff I should be.

I need to sort out benefits (still) but I’m struggling to want to face it. They keep asking me stupid questions about what are my kids doing and I keep saying until results are out I don’t know. It’s a stupid system and it’s beginning to get to me. Being asked questions I cannot answer, let alone show proof for and continually have to nag for information that they won’t release. It is weighing on me.

Getting Help About Benefits

14 Mon Aug 2017

Posted by Catriona in diary

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advice, asking for help, benefits, CAB, support

ClosedCitizens Advice say their phone lines open at 10am. No they don’t. They give you a long message before admitting that no assessors are available to answer your call although some specialists are. I eventually got through at something like 11:30am only to be told that they cannot refer me to my local CAB directly. There is a drop in today, between 10-1pm. So I pick up my folder and venture down only to find the above sign. People are allowed to be ill but I’m not feeling that great either.

There’s another drop in session tomorrow at a different office at the same time as my therapy appointment. Good thing I can change the latter but I do actually need it. Continue reading →

Benefits Bonanza Day

13 Sun Aug 2017

Posted by Catriona in diary, personal

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2son, £25000, benefits, council, disaster, housing benefit, overpayment, support

fuckthisshitI telephoned the CAB on Thursday. I asked whether I should appeal on the basis that I didn’t know what was going on and wasn’t getting any information or whether I should keep pursuing getting a statement of reasons. They said they would refer me to a specialist which would call back within 48 hours. I realised this might mean Monday morning and tried to set it aside.

I tried to take charge of something and applied for child benefit for 2son as the CAB had advised me to do, saying if I got it for the next few months that I’m entitled to, then I can appeal to have it backdated based on incorrect advice given. As it turned out, I’m glad I got that moving.

I emphasis the “tried”. People ask me how I am and in my head I’m answering that everything is actually really positive except for this massive disaster that’s looming over me. How much of that answer I actually give depends on who they are. Even then the reply tends to be me “oh that’s awful” before moving onto something else. People who don’t get benefits, who haven’t had to rely on the state simply do not realise how terrifying these things are. Continue reading →

Taking Back Control

06 Sun Aug 2017

Posted by Catriona in decisions, mental health

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benefits, control, decisions, future, housing benefit, planning, positive thinking

focus on where you are headedOn Monday I decided I’d had enough of waiting for the post to arrive to see if the latest missive from Housing Benefit had arrived. I rang up. I got through to a guy who was trying to be helpful and telling me figures, but he was reading it out loud as he went and it didn’t make a lot of sense. He told me my claim hadn’t been suspended and that a decision had been made to pay some £3 rent a week for me. None of it made a lot of sense and he said the paperwork would be in the post in a few days and I left it at that.

By Thursday nothing had arrived and Friday was a washout too. After returning home I would open the door with trepidation looking for post on the mat. When a cold caller rang the bell I almost reacted badly once I realised he wasn’t the postman delivering a thick envelope. I’m waking up early with weird bad dreams. I can phone up and chase this or I can just wait it out. Either is stressful and quite honestly the end result will be the same.

Yesterday therefore, I sat down and made a list of what I have control of and what I can do something about:

  • my physical and mental well being
  • what do I want to do for a living?
  • what extra work can I do now?
  • what do I want?
  • how do I learn and find answers to these questions
  • love my children and carry on supporting them

I am going to try and focus on these. Some involve doing research online, talking to people about job opportunities and direction. There’s reading round counselling as preparation for September’s start. There’s also doing meditation and physical exercise as well as my physio. I need to get out of my comfort zone, at least once a week.

I acknowledged, for the first time, that I’m sick of being poor. I want to be off benefits and tax credits, to be financially independent. This claim re-assessment has swept the rug out from under my feet and for the first time in a very long time I am simply scared about losing my home, even though that is probably an unnecessary fear. It brings back old memories of being petrified of losing a home and then doing so. I want to feel safe.

So this scare has made me think harder and more immediately about where I am and where I want to be. Whether I can find part time work that fits in with studying and children and all the rest of it I don’t know, but I’m going to start looking. I have had it easy these past few years, and if that’s because benefits have been overpaid then so be it. It might all end up being a positive kick up the arse.

But I still look forward (sort of) to knowing whether I do owe £15,000 and whether I have to pay it back.

 

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