It seems to have been a roller-coaster of a month with so many changes and events, not least in me.
I have now been using the Calm app for a daily meditation for about six months and the odd days when I miss are getting fewer. I have completed over 200 meditations since starting which seems like a good number. But it’s not the number that has got me excited but the fact that I have changed and my inner core has become calmer and less agitated. I simply feel more at peace and this has been a revelation. We’ve still had the usual stuff going on, looking at 2son’s funding and plans for the year, and 3son’s inability to do things the easy way when there’s a hard way instead.
All these things happen and they still freak me out but I am now worrying less about them and am better able to let go. Of course it’s not just the meditation.
I have pushed at therapy. We have both pushed. Trying to get in touch with that little girl who hated her childhood and her dad, rather than rationalising it, understanding it and being nice about it. This has led to me writing letters from head to heart and vice-versa as well as to my parents. I’m not done yet. There is definitely more to come. I have a better understanding of my childhood, of my parents and how it has all affected me. What I need now, and have done for quite a while, is to find a way to let go of it all, or to become reconciled, or accept it. I don’t really know what the word is but I need to be able to stop it ruling over me. My next homework is to write a post about all the things I am angry at, no excuses, no nice understandings. I also need to really think about all the positives that came out of it. How it taught me to become fiercely independent, to value autonomy and to recognise people’s right to make their own decisions as to how they want to be and how they wish to live their life.
I also didn’t quite expect the impact the counselling course would have on me. I expected it to have some impact but didn’t realise how much. Ideas have been bouncing between therapy, theory, skills practice sessions, personal development, and this journal. They bounce around and get deeper with every bounce.
I’ve also lowered my alcohol consumption dramatically. Not by deliberately trying, but just because I don’t feel the need. I’ve continued to go out less, in a positive way rather than in a hiding from the world way and even when I am out I’m drinking less. Of course the less I drink the greater an effect it has on me and therefore the less I feel like drinking. I’m also drinking less at home and I wasn’t drinking very much as it was.
I’m getting out of the house a bit more. I’m aware more of being stuck at home and not liking it. It’s curious, that I’ve spent so many years relishing being at home and finding my routine dictated to by school runs twice or three times a day that when it all stopped I then really enjoyed being able to stop at home. It’s now beginning to grate on me. Not because I’m trying to get out for a walk because it’s good for me, but because I’m trying to get out because I want to. The weather helps of course and I am forcing myself to ditch work and go out to enjoy the sunshine, regardless of what is on my to do list because it’s so temporary.
I haven’t quite got around to starting my last essay of the year on personal development over the year but I have finished my application form which includes 500 words on self-review so there has been a fair amount of self-reflection and reflection on personal development. There will be more by the time I’ve finished the next masterpiece.