I checked in with a simple “I’m really struggling this week” without going into details. I really struggled to be present for this session. I had 2son in my head, as well as my talk with K and thoughts of autism and a radical re-definition of myself.
We had an over-lengthy debate over transference and counter-transference, without mentioning that it’s often because the person reminds you of someone from your past. I kept quiet.
We had an interesting discussion about place in the family, as first, middle, last or only siblings. The youngest is supposed to be the most overindulged and I wasn’t the only youngest sibling present who rejected that quite strongly. I summarised my middle sister’s resentments as feeling screwed both ways which was actually really strong, but true. She resents both of us (or resented) for perceived bonuses of our positions as eldest and youngest. I could have added that although youngest I grew up as an only sibling as well just to confuse the issue even more. However, reading a summary of Adler’s views, I clearly tick the box of being a good observer about the family and its dynamics. He says the youngest either feels special or unwanted. The unwanted feels neglected, disliked and ignored. I’m not sure about disliked but I certainly felt neglected and ignored and I did feel unwanted or unplanned to the extent of asking my mother why they’d bothered having me and was relieved to discover they had planned a fourth who hadn’t happened. Continue reading