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Fighting For Sanity

~ counsellor, mindful, single parent of 4 men

Fighting For Sanity

Tag Archives: exercise

Was Walking Traumatic?

07 Wed Nov 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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exercise, trauma, walks

When I was seven years old we went on a 100 mile walk around the foothills of Mont Blanc, doing ten miles a day. It was one of the last big holidays that the five of us took together. I loved walking on the snow and the crunch it made. I loved seeing women in scanty bikini tops and shorts, contrasting with the big rucksack on their back and shoes on their feet. I remember not feeling at all worried about walking until we were crossing a slippery slope with a sharp slide down the valley and my father told me how to dig my fingers in to the ice if I started falling. Then I got nervous.

But we had to prepare for this walk. We went walking at the weekends often and I couldn’t plead exams or homework to get out of it. I don’t hugely remember my sisters being there but they were. After a walk my parents would often have a pint or possibly two, whilst we three girls would sit outside, with maybe a lemonade and a packet of crisps to share. For the most part children weren’t allowed in pubs then, although I’m not sure how much my parents tried.

Our holidays comprised walks. Wales, the Lake District, Scotland. That was it, other than the visits to my grandmother in France. I remember nothing else of Britain from back then. Just hillsides, hills, paths, and putting one foot in front of the other. I remember going to the specialist shop to get my climbing boots, one of the few, if not the only time my father took an interest in buying me anything. They had to fit properly and they had to be worn in, until I became one with the shoe.

We walked in the dry; we walked in the wet; we walked in the hot and the cold. We would stop every couple of hours and my father would dish out a chocolate square each, maybe two, if the bar was big enough and the journey short enough. We didn’t carry water bottles. We could wait until we got there. There would be one to share so a swig each. We didn’t stop for toilet breaks either.

My father wouldn’t make any unplanned stop or diversion. If you wanted to look at the view, and there were plenty of beautiful views, you looked as you walked, in between watching where you put your feet down. There was no stopping to look at the view and the only time I got a chance, was if the map came out.

My father was also 6″2′, as it said on his passport. The reality was half an inch shorter and I suppose it’s even less now. But a man of 6″2′ has legs that are twice as long as those of a six year old. I had to put effort in to keep up and it was up to me to learn to walk fast rather than for anyone else to slow down. If I didn’t try to keep up then I would simply miss out on any rest and the chocolate. I’d have to wait until next time. So, like my mother before me, I learned to walk quickly. Something I kept up until I had babies and slowed down to walk at their pace. I never forced them to keep up with my and now it’s my father who asks us to slow down to let him move at his pace.

Did I protest at these walks? I think so but do not  remember doing so. Not that it would have done much good. I am told that I alternated between wearing only skirts or wearing only trousers, for months on end. Again I don’t remember this, not then. I had skirts for school. I do remember that no other form of exercise was ever on offer, other than playing cricket in the garden. My mother took me to the swimming pool and started to teach me to swim although I wouldn’t learn properly until secondary school and even then it was mostly self taught. Once I learned to swim I went to the pool on my bike in Brussels, spending as much of the day there as I could. I never learned to swim fast but I did enjoy the peace and quiet.

As an adult I sort of enjoy walking for pleasure but I don’t do it much, which sorts of suggests that I don’t, or at least not as much as I might. Over the past few years I have really tried to get into some form of physical activity, from going to classes to activities on the wii and they’ve all fallen by the wayside. I’ve tried going for short walks locally that I don’t have to prepare for as I think the whole planning the walk contributes to my lack of interest. I’m currently on my second round of 30 days Pilates challenge (ten minutes a day) which I’m doing before my meditation and that is working.  So fingers crossed.

Reading about complex trauma, one of the responses of the body is to freeze and to learn to stop moving, as moving probably will cause issues. Staying hidden and motionless is the best defence against whatever might happen. I wonder if this has stayed with me and made me as physically lazy as I possibly could be, although of course I was very active with children. Now, though, it’s my choice and I’m choosing not to. I recognise that I need to move more and am trying, with a bit of gardening, a bit of Pilates, the occasional walk. The experts say that yoga is best for trauma and I have to think about whether I’m going to give that a go rather than my lovely Pilates Robin (find her at The Balanced Life) who is engaging and non-judgmental.

Putting the link together of healing mind and body explains partly why I’ve been feeling that this has been a journey parallel to therapy and will hopefully motivate me to keep being a little bit more active. There is a greater clarity to what is going on inside me but I’m still rather fed up of it all.

It is Hard Doing Anything

09 Mon Jul 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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exercise, heat, routine

We complain when there’s no sun, which is most of the year, and then we complain that there’s too much. The grass is turning yellow. Plants are dying unless well-established and unless you get up with the sun it’s too hot to sit outside for most of the day. In fact it’s too hot to sit inside for most of the day too which presents some practical difficulties.

I think I managed about an hour’s work today. Then my brain decided it had had enough and was going to melt instead. I do not know the science but I bet your brain really does work less well when it’s overheated. By the time it cools down in the evening your brain is fast asleep. We ought to get up at 5am and then sleep through the afternoon but that’s really not going to happen.

I have done three Pilates sessions so far, although they are more like five minutes than ten. One of them had an exercise I just couldn’t do and I didn’t bother to stop the clock and think about an equivalent. That aside five minutes is enough to make you feel the exercise and that it’s worth it. I’m combining my lower back exercises with reading in the morning and night and am trying to add to them so that I get some done with the comfort of a book. Not  very mindful I know, but it is about trying to put a little bit more exercise into everything.

Ten Minutes a Day

07 Sat Jul 2018

Posted by Catriona in daily journal

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#30dayspilatesbody, exercise, Pilates, ten minutes

I could talk about football, about how people who are not interested have suddenly become interested, about how much fun it is spending time with people whose company you enjoy. I could talk about my friend who is half Croatian and half English so won both matches but will be supporting England as that is where her heart lies. I too will have a similar conflict if it turns into a Belgium v England final.

However, much more important than football is the very contrasting ten minutes a day. My daily meditation of ten minutes has made a huge difference. My daily posting here of under ten minutes is a discipline of which I cannot so clearly recognise the benefits but it’s still early days. I’m grateful to my colleague from last year’s course for talking about her daily journal which encouraged me to start. Hers takes a maximum of 8.5 minutes.

So one more of the things I would like to change in my life with which I’ve been struggling for the last ten years is exercise. I’ve tried Wii, dance mats, walking, swimming, all sorts. But none of them stick for various reasons. But I do want to get into the habit of looking after my body as the aches and pains are getting more regular somewhere. I thought I would take my ten minutes a day mentality and see if I can apply it to exercise. So I’ve signed up to a ten minutes a day Pilates challenge for a month and I will see if I can stick it out and feel the benefits.

Downward Spirals

24 Sat Jun 2017

Posted by Catriona in health, mental health, personal

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benefits, EHCP, exercise, GP, HAES, housing benefit, progress, social worker, tax claim, tax return

Bob Geldof, Pink Floyd, The Wall

Bob Geldof, Pink Floyd, The Wall

I haven’t written for months, and most of what I have been writing has been about my counselling courses. The fact that I have been writing about it is good but I struggle to find the energy and motivation to write about me in other contexts which is really not what this is all about.

I was in a good mood this morning, woken up by the sounds of my children getting up and going out for the day without me leaving me in peace. I could catch up, potter about, do whatever, without calls of what’s for dinner, can I buy something, or the ongoing ramblings of teenagers playing videos.

Yesterday I went for my interview for Level 3 Counselling. We were together as a group for two hours which included a group exercise and a short writing piece. Then we came in for individual interviews. I really loathe job interviews as it involves me selling myself which is something I’m poor at but I did fine until the last couple of minutes when I started waffling and talking utter bollocks. I acknowledged the waffling and left, but it felt like walking out on a bad note. However I walked out feeling that the day had gone well and was positive. Continue reading →

Pain

27 Tue Nov 2012

Posted by Catriona in personal

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back, exercise, hot water bottle, pain, wii

Well I’ve done my back in again.

I spent most of the night trying to find a position that didn’t make me want to scream with pain. And then trying to stay there.

My back’s always been weak. I blame it on carrying four children myself. That and bending over rather than bending at the knees.

Oh and having given up the school run last year means I don’t automatically have two daily walks, however short.

I gave up exercising on the Wii some six months ago.

All these factors have something to say in it.

So I started off doing my back exercises this morning and got back on the Wii. Possibly I’m the least fit I’ve ever been. There’s something to cheer me up on top of everything else.

I can’t stay in any position without pain and yet I don’t want to move. I walked around for most of the day yesterday with a hot water bottle stuffed down my trousers. It might sound stupid but it helps a lot. Even a hot bath didn’t do much.

It’s a shame that I need 48 hours of pain to act as a wake up call to look after my body. Here’s hoping that this time I can find the motivation to continue with it.

Exercise – Is It Really That Bad?

29 Sun Jan 2012

Posted by Catriona in HAES, personal

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Tags

attitude, enjoyment, exercise, HAES, positive, torture

We talk a lot about throwing out the diet talk and the fat talk, but what about all those people moaning about how hard exercise is and how much they ache. How often do you hear people say they went to a class and really enjoyed it?

As I have noticed and learned to ignore all those people talking about their diet, their weekly weight loss, their desire to lose weight, whether face to face, on Facebook, Twitter or all the other places people moan, I have come to find these comments irritating.

Do I like my friends any more because of their weight loss? Or any less because of their gain? No. And rather than be pleased alongside them of their loss, I’ve come to wish that their happiness didn’t depend on those scales, on wearing a light summer frock when it’s icy out.

But increasingly, as I do manage to tune this kind of comments out, I notice the ones saying “why am I getting up this early to do class x?”, “I ache so much, he really pushed me in class y”, “I can barely move”, “no pain, no gain”, “why do I do this?” and so forth.

It seems that just as people almost enjoy the torture of saying “no thanks, I’m on a diet but it does look sooo tempting” they enjoy saying that their exercise is torture. For both, people take pride in showing that they are making sacrifices; sacrifices that we are expected to applaud and commend.

With diets, we know that the answer is to say stuff the diets and to learn to eat mindfully, without fear but with enjoyment. Shouldn’t we do the same with exercise?  If you really find it that painful, that excruciating, that much of an effort, than maybe you should do something else? Maybe you shouldn’t even be doing a class, but just incorporating a bit more exercise into your life, by using the stairs instead of the lift, or getting off the bus a stop early. Why should it be torture? What really is the point of doing something you hate that much? Will you really be able to keep it up month in and month out.

I’m trying to incorporate exercise into my normal day. I think I’ve missed one day so far this month. I’ve tried before and always let it slip after two or three months because I haven’t learned to approach it with the right attitude.

What I am trying to focus on, and I say trying because I still have to work on it, is that exercise feels good to me. It feels good to make my muscles work and to be aware of individual ones. It feels good that I can push my legs a little bit further than yesterday, that my body move a little bit better each day. It feels good that I am aware of my muscles being a bit tired, but tired in a good way after having been worked. They feel used rather than ignored.

I finish a workout, of whatever sort, and my body feels energised. It feels more alive; I am more awake, and my brain feels ready to work. This is what counts. How many calories I may have worked off is not the point. Neither is how long or how hard I’ve pushed myself. What matters is that I enjoy the exercise and the immediate short term reward it brings me.

Being fit is a long way off. Feeling fitter is immediate.

Focus

18 Wed Jan 2012

Posted by Catriona in counselling

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assessment, beautiful you, counselling, exercise, focus, modalities, reputation, safe, sustainable, therapy, trust, wii

Yesterday we had our fourth counselling session. This is the time when you decide, if ready, whether you and the therapist are going to stick with each other for the rest of therapy.

For no particular reason this led off into a discussion on how therapy worked at the institute and what effect having a limited time with each therapist means. Different therapists are working at different levels (some therapists, some counsellors) and different modalities, with my current one developing her integrative skills.

What is good about this is that each therapist takes a slightly different view, with his/her different skills, level of development and personality. By the time it comes to the end of 9-10 months with a therapist I feel I know what they’re going to pull me up on and I can avoid those areas if I want to. I enter a comfort zone with my therapist and I’m not there to be comfortable. I do wonder what happens when you’re with the same therapist permanently and you feel so comfortable that it stops being challenging.

Each year you are assessed, by a separate therapist, who determines what level and type of help you need and assigns you a therapist with whom you then start. You can specify gender as well if you want to. So I have to explain myself from scratch in a session and then start the same again. Every time I do this it’s different because I am at a different stage in the process and what I’m thinking about or wanting to focus on changes as my perception of reality changes. This new assessment always encourages me to re-assess myself: where I am, what I’ve learned and what I want to focus on.

The disadvantage of this of course is that I spend several sessions with each therapist just telling my life story, and depending on their level of training it might take them a month or two before they really participate and start working me. But I feel this is a minor disadvantage.

This institute is safe; I feel comfortable and relaxed walking through the door. It’s a happy positive environment. Also whenever I talk to psychiatrists or psychologists or therapists of any sort and mention the name, they either trained there, or respect it as one of the best (or indeed both). So professionally it has a superb reputation and I trust the organisation. This means that I don’t really have to learn to trust the individual therapist as they sort of come pre-vetted. The other vast advantage is that it’s cheap. Fees depend on means but start at £5 a session. Can’t complain about that!

This was not really what I went in to talk about.

Where do I go this year? The big vision (going back to #5) is the freedom to be me, to be happy. This is quite a wide woolly vague vision although still perfectly valid. I don’t know how to make that big step so I’m starting with the little steps that I can focus on.

These are:-

Reading Beautiful You and going through the challenges without beating myself up over skipping one (#15) or not doing one every day. I skipped yesterday and am not going to manage it today as well. Learn the little habits, like smiling at myself in the mirror rather than frowning, or stopping self-denigrating thoughts before they form in the hope that eventually they will just stop forming. I know it’s all about changing my mindset, how I think, how I see myself and these little things will help me change the bigger picture.

Exercise: I am focusing on enjoying it. I’m thinking about the short term immediate benefit, not the long term putative better fitness that may follow after a year or two. But I am thinking about this good feeling that follows exercise, feeling energised and able to sit down and word harder and concentrate  more at the PC. I’m doing, or aiming to do a half hour in the morning (workout or Zumba) and then when I feel like slumping in the afternoon doing an hour or so of dancing or some such  exercise. I am focusing on that energising feeling and I’m noticing the difference in what my muscles can achieve between one day and the next. I’m trying to just think about that. I’ve done well these past few weeks, have mostly had 2 sessions every day, and again, I’m not beating myself up if I only do one or don’t manage any. I’m trying to tweet them when I’ve done for the record but seem to forget more often than not.

I’m not really trying to focus on anything else. These are two major things, blogging every day which takes time and nigh on two hours in front of the Wii as well. I need to plan meals better and all that sort of stuff but these two will do for now. What matters is whether I can keep this level up over the next few months and not lose interest as I always have done when trying for a sustainable lifestyle change.

 

 

My Mouth Ran Away With Me

11 Wed Jan 2012

Posted by Catriona in counselling

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anti-depressants, confidence, excuses, exercise, integration, ssri, therapy

Yesterday I went back to my counsellor for what is only my third session after a long holiday break. It felt weird as we hadn’t had time to get started before Christmas really.

I spoke quite animatedly about the positive effects of the SSRI I’m taking, how it gave me energy and motivation, both physical and emotional that meant that I simply achieved more in the day and got off my chair more. I spend less time day dreaming and messing about, more time relaxing properly or concentrating on work. The house is cleaner than it’s been for a while and I’ve had more enthusiasm for writing this blog.

As well as the medication the book that I am going through for this year is also giving me a focus. I think of it as my thought for the day as it gives me something to think about each day in a structured way.

“What is my vision, what do I want to get out of this therapy” she asked. Partly thanks to what I wrote last week I was able to simply say self-respect and the freedom to be me. It’s not complicated really. It’s also what I try and give my children, the freedom and confidence to be who they are without trying to push them into a mould.

I have the rational understanding of what happened and why, and what effect it had but I have been stuck for the last six months or so at starting to move on from that point to integrating that understanding and learning to like and respect myself despite all the crap.

I babbled, possibly more than I’ve ever done in therapy and my hands were waving around as well. I know that much of this is the tablets so in that sense it’s false, but it feels so good to feel good.

I spoke of my children and the double-edged sword that they are: their presence has always stopped me from giving in to depression, from hiding under the duvet and refusing to get out or from withdrawing from the world and that is good. But it’s also meant that I haven’t acknowledged depression before, so I haven’t really tried to deal with it previously. They also provide me with an easy excuse for not being able to do things because I have children. Many of these I will be able to do once they’re older so they are still within my grasp but I also use them to protect me when I don’t want to face the real reasons I have for not doing things.

I also spoke of exercise, of trying once again to include it into my daily routine, that I hadn’t missed a day since I started. I’m doing it first thing in the morning and then a longer session most afternoons or evenings when I feel myself start to slump. I’m trying to recognise the energising power that physical activity has as well as the strength that it brings.

We haven’t quite gelled yet, my counsellor and I. It normally takes 4 or 5 sessions for both of us to sit right with each other and we’re not there.

I felt hugely positive although the fact that it’s partly the medication talking takes away my confidence slightly. I know I wouldn’t be like this without it. It does give me time and space to make this state of being real and that’s what I’ve got to remember.

Half Way Through

18 Thu Aug 2011

Posted by Catriona in decisions, health, mental health, mother, parents, personal, well-being

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exercise, food, good habits, HAES, me, pressure, priorities, smoking, thinking, time

We’re half way through the holidays and I’m only just beginning to take the time to think about me.

I’ve made a good effort at writing this blog more regularly; I’ve gone back to thinking about HAES. I touched the Wii yesterday for the first time in months. I’ve started thinking about what I’m cooking in advance and I’ve started trying to add more fibre back into my food and balancing my diet more.

But it all takes time and thought and energy. I’m not going to have time to get set into new good habits before we go back to school and other pressures will take priority. I need to find a way of addressing this or I will never give myself the time.

When I stopped smoking over 5 years ago, I spent a good year thinking about it beforehand. I read Alan Carr’s book which helped a little, and was further helped by someone who said they’d read it 6 times before stopping. This made me realise the amount of thinking I had to do. But I did. I renounced my desire for smoking mentally, before I put that last cigarette out and as a result I quit without patches and without all  that feeling of deprivation that had gone along previous efforts. I wanted to not be a smoker so I was.

I need to perform the same sort of mindswitch here. The biggest and slowest switch is to throw out much of my ingrained habits formed one way or another by my parents and childhood. That’s a work in progress but I’m finally beginning to really understand how pervasive my childhood is and how much it affects everything. There’s a lot to unlearn, but I’m getting better at recognising the thoughts and feelings I need to throw out. I do need to think about what, if anything, I say to my parents about all this but that’s almost a separate issue.

Writing the previous few posts have made me realise other mindswitches I need to make.

In Fat Is My Prison I realise for the very first time how much my parents’ attitude towards sport and exercise has worked against me. They only value walking as exercise, nothing else. I taught myself to swim and did quite a bit of that when young, mainly because we had a marvellous and cheap swimming pool. That fell off when we returned to England and it wasn’t such a pleasure any more. I also learned to ride a bike with the help of 2sis and used that to go off cycling round the streets although I never got into going on big days out on it. Riding a bike is also something that stopped when I returned to London. Having learned on safe streets with good cycle paths I cycled to Weybridge once and was absolutely terrified and never got on a bike again. I do occasionally think about starting again, with all the riverside paths we have but this is something I feel I ought to rather than I want to.

Writing We’re Eternally Hungry has forced me to re-evaluate my diet. I always used to think my diet wasn’t that bad because I didn’t eat a lot of cakes, creams and puddings. Again this goes back to my parents. Nice sponge cakes with a bit of jam or icing in were all right but for the most part puddings were not deemed ‘proper food’ although we did indulge in the occasional patisserie. Just about the last time my mother made me cry was when she ridiculed me for wanting an ice-cream after a meal. The children could have one but it’s a childish thing to eat so why on earth was I bothering. I know that sounds petty and ridiculous but it hurt. Why was I not allowed to enjoy the simple pleasure of having an ice-cream along with my sons and nephews just because she didn’t want one. So I grew up with savoury=good; sweet=bad mentality. Chocolate is an indulgence we permit ourselves. So I need to throw out all that as well as all the diet indoctrination that goes on in my head.

I don’t really know how I’m going to keep up this level of thinking when term starts again. To write this blog, I need a good hour’s peace which I find in the morning if we’re not going to school or elsewhere or in the evening once they’ve settled down. I feel too much pressure on the hours while they’re at school to use that time to write which is something I need to try and address but that goes back to prioritising me over work which I find difficult. So I need to think more about that.

I also need to make the time to play on the Wii, something I don’t need peace and quiet for and don’t have to do in a solid chunk. Again I hear the thoughts that you don’t start burning fat until you’ve done at least half an hour so anything less is wasted. I need to throw out that thought and think that actually 20 minutes can make my muscles ache and that strengthening my muscles and making me stronger and healthier is actually what it’s about rather than as a source of weight loss (which according to research is a fallacy anyway). So if I can break it into 20 minute chunks that makes it a lot easier to squeeze it in during the day in a way that doesn’t make me feel that it’s pushing other higher priorities out of the way.

When I stopped smoking, I wasn’t working. But I didn’t have all my children at school yet either. So pressure was still there, just in a different way. I managed to find the time then to do what I needed to do. I need to find the time again.

I also need to continue to think about the implications of my reluctance to take the time to think about me, to not see this as a luxury but as a necessity. I still need to learn to value myself more, to prioritise looking after myself as essential and to take the time I need to do what I need to do. For me.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…

16 Tue Aug 2011

Posted by Catriona in well-being

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everything, exercise, food, HAES, if, wishes

Wouldn’t it be nice if:
I could walk without my thighs rubbing together;
I could buy clothes because they fitted rather than covered;
I could buy clothes in the shops rather than online;
I could buy clothes because I want to rather than because I’ve grown out of the last lot;
I could look in the mirror and be pleased with what I see;
I could be active without struggling for breath;
I could enjoy that feeling of being energetic;
I exercised enough that my muscles didn’t hurt when I use them;
I didn’t feel that my body is such a lump;
I had more energy;
I could take pleasure in feeling healthier;
I enjoyed thinking about food;
I enjoyed cooking;
I took greater pleasure in eating;
I stopped hearing my parents’ voices in my head;
I could stop worrying about all this stuff;
I valued myself enough to take the time to do all the above.

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