Today was a bizarre day. The day before I had spent on a school visit to discuss 2son’s future and had driven there and back in pouring snow. I was using windscreen cleaner to clear the windscreen every few minutes as the wipers wouldn’t cut the snow and I ran out just as a service station was coming up so I went on the hunt for some more cleaner and was not the only one. I was struck by a young woman asking me whether the stuff I’d just bought was what she needed to stop her windscreen getting covered and I was wondering if she was safe to drive. I don’t know much about cars but it felt like I knew more than she did.
Anyway it was a long day and I was really struggling to get in the zone for my course. I hadn’t gone to an exhibition first as I needed to get a blood test done and that was the only time I could manage. Also I was looking forward to seeing 1son afterwards for dinner before he flies off to Rome next week. We discussed the need for our future assignment to reflect on changes in personal development over the last year. 3son thought I had changed in the last year but wasn’t sure what was about, that maybe I appeared more confident. I mentioned this to my therapist and she said she no longer felt battered and bruised after a session with me and that I had just become a little softer. I think I have lowered my defences, just a tad, and am slightly more willing to take a risk. Alongside that goes just caring a little less what others think about.
We had an observer for triads who had joined us the previous week when she had given me good feedback and when I say good I mean useful rather than all positive. I hadn’t felt able to write so much about her for my observation because I was busy trying to work out what it was about her during the session that grated. Again I discussed it with my therapist who asked whether I could have said that as my observation, that I wasn’t happy with something but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It would have been the right thing to do but I was trying to work out exactly what it was. This week I was able to observe her without having to write anything down as the tutor was doing the observation which enabled me to spot it. She seems too assertive, making statements rather than questions and it can come across as too pushy and too expert (and too much like my father).
The person I was listening to surprised me when she said this weekend would be the first time she had taken a train journey on her own as all holidays were with family and mostly driven. I exclaimed “really” rather too loudly in a way that sounded as if I was making assumptions about her lack of travel experience which I suppose in a way I was. But I also refrained from making the assumption that her religion dictates certain behaviours because I do not know how orthodox she is and therefore how much her faith does affect her behaviour. I felt that my observer’s reaction afterwards of well, what do you expect with her faith was far more assumption driven than mine.
One of the reasons I wanted to get this written up now is that we are on our residential weekend out in the relative middle of nowhere and we have a full on weekend with each other which all started off with a difficult journey through the snow.