An Impending Sense of Doom

Tags

doom, holiday, stress, tension, to do, work

I do feel this physically, as a massive knot in my stomach, a tension that will not go away or even loosen. I’m even getting tension headaches. What is going on?

I went into Christmas feeling in a relatively good place, looking forward to starting my course again, feeling happy about exercise and continuing that. I was aware that I would be fighting for 2son with the council in January but I was ready. Christmas and the New Year came and went without major incidents so all is well.

Except that it isn’t.

I’m going away for a long weekend towards the end of the month, with two good friends. It’s going to be the maddest, more extravagant thing I’ve ever done and while I know I would never have chosen to do it on my own I am expecting to not stop laughing or having fun for a few days. Sounds awful, does it not? However I am leaving 3son and 4son on their own for the time. I’m leaving on Wednesday and coming back Tuesday morning so they will have to get themselves to school Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday. They are quite capable of doing this and when I am at home if they chose not to go to school I’ve never been able to make them go anyway so it won’t make any difference. I don’t want to be caught out by school as an absent parent but I’m not leaving a six year old while I holiday for a fortnight. They are not going to have a massive party or drink all the alcohol (although I will be careful not to stock up) and quite frankly the worst I can imagine them doing is leaving the gas (oven) on overnight. I’ve warned 3son about the perils of blowing up the house and he does appreciate that this is a sensible concern of mine. They’ll make a mess, not wash up and eat junk but nothing major. I’ve promised them a weekend away of their choice if they behave. I’d like to make sure that no one from social services (for 4son) tries to contact me or notices my absence but what are the chances of that happening? So what is there to be worried about, other than I have never done it before and I feel like I’m being naughty?

I have a work thing that I’ve never had to worry about before. I host a number of websites on a shared server and it got hacked before Christmas. I’ve never had a problem before but now they’ve got in once they keep trying again on a daily basis, sometimes killing off a site in the meantime so I need to ring up (£2 for 15 minutes) and get a backup reloaded. It takes time and patience and the most important site won’t come back and is beyond my ability to repair. I haven’t yet worked out whether I should move them all to a different server (itself a time-consuming process), stop hosting them myself (consequences and a sense of responsibility), or what. I feel helpless because I don’t know enough to sort it out definitively myself. I followed clear instructions for wiping a WordPress site and re-installing a clean version and it didn’t work causing me to ring up once again to get a re-install as they couldn’t see why it didn’t work either. Anyway I’m boring myself with this but I am spending an hour (at least) every day scanning websites and monitoring situation just to make sure nothing is starting up again. This is something that was never a problem before and now is a problem and another anxiety I don’t need. I don’t feel there is anyone else who is reliable that I can pass it onto. So it’s a pressure that has come out of the blue and I don’t know what to do with it or how to resolve it, with no clear cut solution. It’s not a life and death situation but it taps into my sense of responsibility and duty. It’s also incredibly boring.

I am beginning to win the conversation about my parents’ location on their return to the UK, something that only appeared on the horizon last month. It does worry me the idea of having them close to me. Having suggested the south coast with its fast trains (when running) to London and having the proposal dismissed my sisters have now got on board with this idea and are encouraging my parents to reconsider. I do actually think it would be better for them as well as just not wanting them round the corner from me. It’s a subtler pressure but one that is very quietly freaking me out even though I’m being (trying to be) sensible about it.

I was supposed to be looking at schools this month for 2son but haven’t got started on that although it’s really important. I haven’t actually finished the little things I meant to finish before Christmas. I’ve got a leak in the bathroom, mice in the house, car insurance to renew and my bedroom light blew up last night. Niggly things that I have to deal with and really can’t be bothered. I have a job I want to give up because nobody has any enthusiasm for running it but I can’t afford to resign but have to wait and see. 1son went back successfully a week ago; 2son returned to school yesterday and 3 son returned last week to school. 4son is currently off sick which is worrying me more than it should as he was ill at the end of last term as well. I’ve phoned the doctor for a consultation but I expect she’ll tell me I’m over worrying. I do want a day to myself soon!

I have a list of things to do which I am perfectly capable of doing. I absolutely don’t see a reason for feeling as wound up as I do. I do feel better for writing all this out and for discussing it in my ten minute practice session today.

There is also the reality of a new year as opposed to the expectations of better days. Same shit, different year.

 

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Holidays

Tags

holiday, relax, solitary

I am now on my second holiday all by myself and the unwritten rules are amazing. My anxieties all kick in.

I don’t have to go on excursions.

I don’t have to go to the local village.

I don’t have to discover the island.

I don’t have to do anything intelligent.

I don’t have to leave the compound.

I don’t have to make an effort.

I don’t have to absorb the local culture.

I don’t have to apologise.

I don’t have to talk to anyone other than for politeness sake.

I don’t have to speak the language.

I don’t have to meet the Holiday rep.
On the other hand,…

I do have to learn to relax, to vegetate.

My routine (day one) is eat, read, drink, swim, doze. Repeat in any order. I don’t have to do any more than that. Not only do I not have to, it’s important that I do just that. I’m not good at doing little. But that’s exactly what I need and is why I booked an all inclusive holiday in the sun.

Easter Holidays

Tags

energy, holiday, routine, sleep

I get into a great happy and productive holiday routine about ten days into holidays. It’s a shame that they only last two weeks.

I spend the first week sleeping in, or attempting to. Waking up about 10am, having a few cups of tea in bed along with a book or three before getting up. I quite often don’t actually do anything much in the afternoon as I still feel tired and groggy.

After about a week I start to feel alert, and to wake up naturally much earlier, spending less time in bed before wanting to get up. This holiday I skipped bothering to try and keep children to a normal sleep routine as we seem to do nothing but argue about bedtime during the term time so I went to sleep when I wanted to. I was able to stay out late when I wanted to and not feel dead the next day.

Anxiety Behind the Wheel

Tags

anxiety, driving, holiday, nervous

Having broken my contact lenses a month ago, the replacements finally turned up last Thursday, the same day as the parking permit that allows me to park on my road.

Despite not feeling well I thought I would move my car into the space in front of my home, because I could. I did think that I ought to go for a drive but I really wasn’t ready for it. So when I went to give a friend a lift on Monday it should have been no surprise to discover the battery was flat. I was so pleased to be asked and she had to get a taxi.

Finally, holiday. Self-hatred comes free.

Tags

acceptance, help, holiday, self-hate, therapy

It’s been a long time coming. It’s two years, if not three since I last had a break from my children. Thanks to conspiring events, I’ve just had 6 nights to myself in Tenerife.

1son had offered a few years ago to babysit and give me a few days away as a Christmas present but it never came off as whenever we are on school holiday that would mean him looking after all 3 of his brothers and I think that would be too much. No doubt it would be fine but I don’t suppose 2son’s social worker would approve. However, whilst entering school dates in the diary this year I noticed that for this February half term 2son’s was actually the week before 3 and 4son’s with him returning to school on the Monday. Coupled with the fact that the following Monday was an INSET day (teacher training so no school) gave me a 6 night tight window. 1son was going away himself but it turned out he was coming back on the Monday so just in time. Trying to book a holiday at the last minute, when I really didn’t care much where to go was difficult and the best deals were all for 7 nights however I made it and left.

Overwhelmed

Tags

busyness, fed up, GP, holiday, mindfulness, motivation, pressure, sleep

I’ve really had enough at the moment.

I feel that I haven’t caught up with work since December, no matter whether it’s paid or voluntary. I know what I ought to be doing and yet when I get in front of the laptop to do it, I just don’t want to and give up after having done the minimum.

Now this is not about being depressed (I think). I feel that I’ve been managing well since I came of my anti-depressants a few months ago. I just feel under pressure to produce on all sides. And yet I’m awfully busy but without doing anything.

I get up earlier than I want to because I have to. I’m trying to redress that by going back to bed but that’s only a partial solution.

3son and 4sons occasionally miss school because they’re too tired. That’s all my fault of course and it ruins my evenings as they always end up in cross words. One way or another, whatever solutions I try, it rarely goes smoothly.

I eat more in the holidays

Tags

eating, holiday, lethargy, mefirst

I hadn’t really noticed before. But I eat more.

I was quite pleased with myself before half term as I had noticed that six months (yay!) of continuous exercise, however minimal, had made a physical difference in me. Not just in my stamina and my ability to push myself in those exercises further, but also that my body was changing. There were less flabby bits on my arms and my thighs were tightening up. I could see the difference, even if they were invisible to everyone else. I even bought my first pair of proper trousers rather than joggings for several years.

Now, after a week of at home holiday I feel bloated and that my tummy bulge is larger. It probably isn’t, but what has that got to do with anything?

Six Days

Tags

holiday, me, me first, mefirst

Well I made it!

Six days without any children. I read a dozen books, saw five films at the cinema and a few more at home, went out with friends most evenings and spent a lot of time sitting in the garden, except for when it was raining.

I also managed to just spend about two hours in those six days on the computer which is quite remarkable in itself. Having given up one Facebook game at the end of last term I now gave up my last one so I’m free of annoyingly addictive and competitive games. This alone probably gives me an extra couple of hours in the day. I will still play silly little games on the computer but ones that relax rather than compel me.

I did nothing else. No thinking, no planning, no phone calls, no paperwork. I managed about ten minutes washing up a day and about an hour of tidying up during the week and that was all that was needed. It’s sad to say but I found real pleasure in walking into a room and finding it in the same tidy state that I’d left it in.

So I really achieved what I wanted that week: lots of relaxation without trying to achieve anything very much. If I’d had a second week I might have started doing a bit more thinking but as it was I had a total break.

I do feel pleased with myself for not having tried to anything more and to have had it as a real relaxing vacation. I’m already looking forward to next year’s.

Freedom!

Tags

break, guilt, holiday, me time

So here I am. On my own.

I have dropped 3son and 4son off at camp and am travelling back home. All I have to do is drop some DVDs off with 2son to assuage my guilt over leaving him there and I shall be free for six glorious days.

I did get an absolute fright on Friday morning when the ward rang up and said they thought that 2son ought to have weekend leave and that while they understood my situation, they felt that regular visits and routine were best for him. I said no. They said what about alternatives. I said no alternatives and even if there were he doesn’t speak to anyone. What about his big brother. He works weekends. So no alternative? No. She said she’d take it back to the team and hung up. She didn’t ring back so I expect they got the message.

But she still managed to make me feel guilty and that is the only reason that I am dropping these DVDs that 2son asked for off on my way home. In case you’re wondering, he asked for Monty Python films. It is six days out of 365. Six days in the year where I do not have to put my children first. Is it really that much to ask? I explained it all to 2son who said “you need the break more than I do”. Simple. He understands.

I shouldn’t feel the need to ask anyone’s permission. I told them at the meeting I was doing this and no-one said anything very much. To phone me up the day before and say they don’t like it is really quite ridiculous.

Anyway, I shan’t feel quite free until I’ve seen 2son and feel that I have done my duty. Then however I shall have six days of freedom. What am I going to do with them?

I started a mental list and then had to stop myself. No lists. No expectations. Do nothing, read, laze in the garden, eat what I want when I want. Go to the pub without having to phone home or shout at children when I open the front door on my return. Maybe have a day in London, maybe not. No work. I’d quite like to do some more writing and work on a couple of personal projects but who knows. I’d still like to do some sorting out of bits and pieces at home but again, maybe not.

What I need to do is just not worry about anything. To relax, lie back and enjoy. Without an agenda. Without a list.

*******

I popped in to see 2son who had sole control of the Wii (so not much different from being at home really). He was very pleased to get films and let me go off after five minutes. So I’m posting this lying in the garden with a cup of tea and a couple of books by my side in my lazy recliner in the sinking sun.

Space For My Thoughts

Tags

decisions, food, holiday, me first, mefirst

I have had a week without 3son and 4son, something I’ve never managed to achieve before. It’s been a busy week.

As I posted earlier I stayed overnight after having dropped them off and really felt uncomfortable being on my own in a strange environment.

However on Monday I went to stay with what can only be described as my BFF. This is my one friend from school, who I met when about 14 although it probably took us a couple of years to become friends. She’s the only person I’m not related to who was there when it all happened. It was shocking to realise that we hadn’t actually seen each other for around 10 years although we had kept in touch by telephone.

She’s still 18, albeit a responsible householder with a collection of grey hairs and we talked for 48 hours straight although trying to catch up on 10 years of face to face conversation is slightly bizarre.

I had a touristy day on my own before returning home which I thoroughly enjoyed and with less of the strain I had felt at the weekend.

Thursday and Friday I had 48 hours left at home, with just 2son for company who had been looked after by 1son in my absence. Other than the pile of washing up, all was well. I indulged myself by watching five films at our local independent cinema and really enjoyed watching grown up films without a horde of children munching, slurping and crinkling away.

I’ve really enjoyed not having to think about 3son and 4son for a few days. It really gives space for my thoughts to expand and to simply relax.

As ever, I made some resolutions for the term ahead.:

I’m going to try and write most days and to do so first thing in the morning before getting on with work, in an attempt to put myself first.

I’m going to try and re-engage with food, to rediscover joy and pleasure in it. This is a monumental task and needs breaking down into small bit-sized pieces. To this end, and since passing a bookshop while alone proved irresistible, I’ve bought a couple of student cookbooks as these aim to provide interesting meals that take a minimum of time to prepare. I shall try to cook a couple of new dishes a week and plan food in advance rather than last thing. I also need to try completing the Hunger chart from HAES.

What else? Me time. I’m going to attempt going to the cinema on my own once a week and go more regularly to the theatre, with or without children.

My only other task is to think about what I would say to my father if I did have that conversation on the assumption that thinking about it might help clarify my feelings.

That’s a lot to be thinking about and quite honestly I also need to be thinking about why I find it so necessary to continually re-assess my progress and make new goals. I know it’s partly to do with feeling that time is passing and I’ve wasted enough of it already.

I meant to post this yesterday but lack of free Wi-Fi stopped me.