Having done my back in I’ve spent a week in recovery, doing virtually no work and it has provided me with an opportunity to reflect.
I feel as if life is almost too much to cope with. Not in a depressed suicidal sense but that I feel overwhelmed by all the pressures on me.
I need to sort out my placement, get on with corrections to the first essay and start on the second. Those are the absolute must dos for my course. Thinking about the third essay, research project etc. are also there.
I have financial pressures too: my income has gone down drastically in the last year and it is increasingly difficult to cope. Any major expenditure and I will really struggle. I need to get on with my year end to hopefully help change that. I haven’t challenged my recent housing benefits decisions because I really can’t cope with another argument. The outstanding supposed debt is still there sitting quietly. I might think about another job but I can’t until I have my placement.
These are the two major pressures on me. There are lots of other lesser ones that all add to the pile.
I have this week been spending at least an hour on physio / Pilates for my back. There has been no time pressure as I knew I was incapable of sitting down in front of a computer let alone putting coherent thought together. There was therefore an immense release of pressure. In a bizarre way, despite being in pain I actually slept more deeply when I was asleep.
So I want to spend more time looking after myself, in the sense of doing more Pilates, more meditation, more getting out of the house and going for a stroll. But I don’t feel I can because there is always something else I should be doing. I am really fed up of that pressure. I am simply so tired of life.
Change is good and no doubt some of this is fear over making a huge change to my life. By doing this course I am equipping myself to have a profession, a career, potentially financial fully independence. I am doing this because I want to see these changes and they are all positive. But it is also scary.
There is a part of me that wishes to go down the mental health route, declare myself unfit for work and just stop. But that’s not a realistic option and would drive me into lower mental health. But still I want to run away.
I don’t know what the solution is, other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that, given a bit more sunshine and light, I feel more capable. I just feel that one more push and I will fall.