Fighting Routine

Tags

daily, forgiveness, kind, mefirst, routines, self-care

Every morning I have to fight with my routine and myself.

If I had to be out of the house first thing to commute to work I would have a minimal routine that I’d just plough my way through on automatic pilot, but I don’t. I work from home and I work part time, so I do not have to make sure that I get eight hours (or more) of work a day.

And yet I feel guilty if I’m not at my desk by 9am getting on with work like convention dictates. No matter how many conversations I have had with myself about the lack of need to be chained to a computer, I still feel that I am not doing my part, that I am not being productive enough.

Telling myself I am still de-stressing from years of wound up tensions, from childhood to marriage to parenthood to being single, all of these cumulative stresses and strains which have taken a physical and mental toll on me, none of these really enable me to forgive myself, which is what I really need.

So learning to take ten minutes in the morning for meditation last year has been a struggle. It has been a struggle because it forces me to put my self-care first, and this in itself is a first. Now I am adding my Pilates to it. I am also trying to add my journalling to the morning as I find it difficult to find the energy in the evening. All this takes time and despite waking up at 8am in the holidays it’s often getting on for midday by the time I have done all this and had breakfast, washed up and tidied up, ready for the day.

Wow, midday and I haven’t even started work. What I have done though is taken care of myself first which is more important, and something I need more practice at doing. I’ve always worked, whether it’s been going out for interesting or soul-destroying employment, or whether it’s getting four small people dressed and out of the house in the morning. But taking care of myself is something that I am only now beginning to seriously learn how to do and to incorporate it into my daily life. 2019 is my fiftieth year and it’s about time I learned to look after myself.

Yet I am still judging myself by external standards that say I should be doing 8 hours paid work a day. I struggle to do 3 and that includes domestic paperwork and the other odds and ends that aren’t paid employment. I still feel that I haven’t earned the right to spend time on myself. I hear how wrong that sentence is and yet it is the truth.

I am trying to be kinder to myself. Before the house filled up for Christmas I turned the heating up by two degrees because I was tired of putting on extra layers and having cold hands. All those years of my father telling all of us to simply put another jumper on if we’re cold. At 16 degrees it’s still colder than most people enjoy but it feels luxurious to me.

I have also broken my self-imposed rule to not read the same book twice that I haven’t broken since 2008 and am really enjoying reading The Dark Tower, one of my all time favourites. It’s helping me get lost in a book again, which is something I was losing.

This week sees the transition between holiday and routine, with 3son back at work today, 2son and 4son on holiday still until next week. It will be interesting to see how the morning’s tensions work out when the earlier mornings impose themselves, whether anything that I have learned over the holidays about looking after myself stays with me.

Commitment, Am I afraid of it?

Tags

future, me, mefirst, plans

What have I committed to; what is there that I have said I want this and am willing to spend years getting there?

I said yes to the theatre. I gave it my heart and theatre college broke it.

I committed to children.

I committed to marriage and that didn’t work out.

I committed to gaining a degree but I did it part time so that it could fit in with real life and it took me ten years to gain in total. I did get married and divorced and have at least two children during my studies.

I also got a CiW qualification in Web Design and whatever that I never used. It took me under a year and cost about £1000.

So when I say that I don’t like any career or profession so much that I want to spend the full time learning how to do it, is that because I don’t like anything that much or because I’m too scared to make the commitment?

Let’s look at counselling, seriously.

I am doing an Introduction to Counselling, which is 30 hours over ten sessions, less than a term (around £250). It is followed by a Certificate in Counselling Skills which is 1/2 day for a year (£1,500). Lastly comes a Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling which is 1 day for 2 years (£4,000, but eligible for Student Loan as is the Certificate).

So firstly, I could go for the next level without having to do the full diploma and I could walk away at that point with a qualification so it’s not like walking out halfway through.

I do not yet know whether I really am capable of being a counsellor but the qualification is not going to do me any harm. Yes it’s expensive but compared to a degree it’s dirt cheap and I can get a student loan that I barely have to repay.

So what’s stopping me? There’s the time and the cost. Neither of which are real factors. The time is 3 years but it’s part time. Maybe I’d give up some voluntary stuff but I could do that if I really wanted to.

So what is it? I’ve stopped at this point to go and find the careers service site. And it comes to me. Other than I was young and wanted the theatre, I have never sat down and thought about what I want, what I really really want. I have done things because they were convenient, fitted in with partners or children, or because I hadn’t learn to say no. I’ve never sat down and really tried to work out what I want. Thinking of leaving London is part of that decision. Deciding how I wish to earn my living is another. So back to that careers site.

 

P.S. I never thought I’d be quoting Emma Watson.

 

Sleep

Tags

bad parent, guilt, mefirst, miserable, sleep, sleepless haze, tired

Everything seems to come down to getting enough sleep. I can wake up full of energy and vitality, which sometimes comes crashing down after a couple of hours, or I can wake up wishing I didn’t have to, and potter through the day achieving very little, not even relaxation.

I have the additional problem that 3son seems to think he can stay up to midnight and still get up at half past six or earlier. He can’t. He can do it once, maybe twice, but then he takes a day off. I find myself stopped from going to sleep early as I need to get him to bed first. For the last few days before half term I gave up and just went to sleep before him but then I feel guilty which doesn’t help either.

I eat more in the holidays

Tags

eating, holiday, lethargy, mefirst

I hadn’t really noticed before. But I eat more.

I was quite pleased with myself before half term as I had noticed that six months (yay!) of continuous exercise, however minimal, had made a physical difference in me. Not just in my stamina and my ability to push myself in those exercises further, but also that my body was changing. There were less flabby bits on my arms and my thighs were tightening up. I could see the difference, even if they were invisible to everyone else. I even bought my first pair of proper trousers rather than joggings for several years.

Now, after a week of at home holiday I feel bloated and that my tummy bulge is larger. It probably isn’t, but what has that got to do with anything?

A Positive Quick List

Tags

list, love, mefirst, positive, pride

Following on from the previous post I wanted a quick list of lots of positive affirmations about me; a list that I can look at when I need reminding of the good things.

• I enjoy learning;
• I’m proud to be geeky although I don’t see myself as a geek;
• I love my garden that I have created;
• I think my children are awesomely brilliant;
• my eldest son has grown up into an intelligent, caring young man whose company I really enjoy;
• my children show amazing independence;
• I have lovely thick hair that is just beginning to go grey;
• I can make my own decisions;
• I have a home that I love and enjoy decorating;
• I get to sleep diagonally across my bed if I so choose;
• I work from home with hours to suit;
• I don’t really have a boss;
• I love the world that we live in and have some sense of the privilege we are afforded;
• I’m aware that the health and longevity of my children would be considered a luxury in some countries;
• I have a fully able body; it all works;
• I am compassionate; I try not to judge but to support, even if I can’t understand;
• I am bringing up four children on my own and I’m still sane;
• I have a humanist outlook on life;
• I try and live by the Platinum rule (rather than the Golden rule);
• I definitely agree with the Underpants rule;
• I like who I am;
• I am willing to change and to work towards it;
• My house: my rules;
• I don’t commute;
• I love where I live and the surrounding community;
• I have friends;
• I’m organised;
• I’m financially disciplined and not in debt;
• I can cope with pretty much everything;
• I could continue.

Cherish Yourself?

Tags

cherish, me, mefirst, wildwillows

WildWillows wrote a short post asking what you cherish about yourself. I could have written her first paragraph myself, I agree with it that much.

I find it really easy to list everything that’s “wrong” with me but what do I cherish about myself?

I cherish the fact that I haven’t given up yet.
I cherish the friends whom I love, the fact that I’m capable of freely giving unconditional love. And cuddles.
I cherish my love for books, that my brain works well and I consider myself intelligent.
I cherish my stubbornness or bloody-mindedness or independent thought!
I cherish the progress that I have made so far in untangling my thoughts and emotions.
I cherish my honesty about myself and my own morals and ethics.
I appreciate my organisational skills (not sure if I cherish them).
I cherish the memories of those I have loved who have died: my grandmothers, L, B, V and F.
I cherish my children.

Six Days

Tags

holiday, me, me first, mefirst

Well I made it!

Six days without any children. I read a dozen books, saw five films at the cinema and a few more at home, went out with friends most evenings and spent a lot of time sitting in the garden, except for when it was raining.

I also managed to just spend about two hours in those six days on the computer which is quite remarkable in itself. Having given up one Facebook game at the end of last term I now gave up my last one so I’m free of annoyingly addictive and competitive games. This alone probably gives me an extra couple of hours in the day. I will still play silly little games on the computer but ones that relax rather than compel me.

I did nothing else. No thinking, no planning, no phone calls, no paperwork. I managed about ten minutes washing up a day and about an hour of tidying up during the week and that was all that was needed. It’s sad to say but I found real pleasure in walking into a room and finding it in the same tidy state that I’d left it in.

So I really achieved what I wanted that week: lots of relaxation without trying to achieve anything very much. If I’d had a second week I might have started doing a bit more thinking but as it was I had a total break.

I do feel pleased with myself for not having tried to anything more and to have had it as a real relaxing vacation. I’m already looking forward to next year’s.

No Room For Me

Tags

2son, ASD, CPA, Family Support Team, me, meeting, mefirst, SEN, social worker, son, statement

Today I returned 2son after his weekend leave. I had just managed to get him up half an hour before we were due to leave.

Yesterday he got up shortly past midday, realised he wasn’t going to get to play on the computer, and just went back to bed for another six hours. I can’t tell you how exasperating I found that.

So, what was said at the meeting? His keyworker spoke of his good progress on the ward, that he was continuing to interact increasingly in group therapies, that he spent a good amount of time with the other patients in the common areas and was doing well. She sits down with him before each home visit and draws up a simple schedule of activities whilst at home. Maybe two activities a day such as gardening, cooking, cinema, going out somewhere.

He comes home with it and tells me he will pay no attention to it whatsoever. He then proceeds to get up when he decides to, ignores any plan, and barely communicates with us. A bit like having a teenager at home really.

The CAMHS therapist attended and informed us that the two doctors who had initially performed the ASD assessment had got together with the psychiatrist who had performed the second positive assessment and they had all jointly agreed that yes, 2son had ASD. That was nice. I said that my meeting with the psychiatrist had done nothing to change my mind and that I was still totally unconvinced. We agreed to leave it there.

The social worker said that 2son was not above the threshold for educational support and that there were two possibilities. She could refer him to the Early Intervention team who had lots of measures (unspecified) that could be put into place. I sat there thinking it was a bit late for Early Intervention. Or, the preferred option which would be to pass us on to the Family Support Team, so we would get a Family Support Worker who would come and assess our needs. Super I thought, another assessment.

What would Family Support provide? Oh well, they have a range of things they can put in place, and they could help you with techniques for getting 2son out of bed. Brilliant. Because it’s all my fault he doesn’t get out of bed because I don’t ask him in the appropriate manner. I didn’t hit the roof, just pointed out that 2son was perfectly capable of getting up when he wanted to and the choice lay within him; it isn’t down to me. However we agreed to go along with this as something positive to explore.

She also said that 2son had been statemented. First time I’ve heard of it, I replied, the assessment/decision is due to take place in October. So something odd is going on there, or I don’t understand the process which is equally possible.

I think therapist had prepared them, as when I announced that I was having a holiday next week and wouldn’t be taking 2son on leave there wasn’t a murmur. Good, I thought, 6 days without children. Out of 365. Every single one is needed.

Social worker finally asked whether 2son was going to be discharged immediately then. So we argued for a bit and decided to wait and see how 2son did at going to school from home after the holidays and until family support was in place. Therefore possibly the September meeting will be a discharge meeting and possibly it won’t. We’ll see.

I walked away steaming, as I had done after the previous one. I hear well the suggestion that since 2son behaves on the ward but not at home that the fault lies with home and therefore me. The social worker is the only one who says it out loud but I feel so judged.

2son may like routine but prior to all this I saw no evidence of it. Maybe he behaves on the ward for totally different reasons that we haven’t yet fathomed. The reason I’m not convinced of the ASD diagnosis is that he showed none of these traits prior to the last three years; no typical behaviour prior to stopping school. Autism is supposed to be from birth, not something that appears overnight in response to events so where does that leave me? I must ask CAMHS therapist if I can have a meeting with someone from their side to talk through this.

Oh yes, and due to a “communications error” the family therapy that was supposed to be put in place after the last meeting at the ward so that 2son could attend as well hasn’t.

I really don’t know how to cope with all this. I keep thinking of my BFF1 who spends more time looking after her mother than the professionals who are paid to do so and I dig in my heels. I say no, he’s not ready. I disagree and ask awkward questions. I can’t really think what use Family Support are going to be, unless they’re going to offer to come and cook dinner every night (or even twice a week). I struggle to maintain whatever shreds of sanity I have left.

I have doubled my dosage of anti-depressants once and am thinking about doing it again. I’m thinking I could do with a proper psychiatrist with whom I can stick with, rather than the service I have been getting. Although undoubtedly valuable and cheap, changing therapists every year and starting off with unqualified ones who take a while to get going just isn’t enough. Not with the pressure that I’m under. I’ve made a note to discuss this with my GP next time.

I want more help for ME and maybe I shouldn’t have been so derisory at the suggestion of Family Support. Maybe they have enough funding to help. Who knows. But I looked around the group of professionals this afternoon and thought not one of you is really concerned with how I’m coping. This all leaves no room for me.

 

Happiness

Tags

acceptance, change, excuses, happiness, me first, mefirst, mindfulness

“true happiness is a natural state, one that comes about through being emotionally stable”

from http://pocketmindfulness.com/is-mindfulness-happiness/

I think what the previous post really shows is that I am not happy with who I am, that I look at many aspects of my personality and think about how I want to change them, rather than accepting who I am.

I think about “what-ifs” even though I know them to be a dead end. What if I’d had different parents, if we hadn’t moved around so much, if I’d found the courage to say no to my parents more often and from a younger age, what if I’d worked harder at school, gone to a better college, or gone to university instead? What if I hadn’t met my ex-husband or ex-partner? What if I hadn’t had children until later, if I’d taken a gap year and gone travelling round the world? What if I’d had friends as a teenager?

What if I’d had the perfect childhood? Who would I be now?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions and they are all irrelevant. I am me, in the here and now, with the life I’ve had. That’s it. If I can’t learn to be content with the present and the past then I have no hope to be happy in the future.

I am not emotionally stable. I am on anti-depressants, and have recently increased the dosage. These help me function in a way that I wasn’t previously. I have external forces like work, like my children, especially 2son, who stop me thinking about me. Except that they don’t really. I just use them as an excuse, or choose to prioritise them over me.

I don’t want to wish away the rest of life, or to spend if thinking about the things that could have been, if only other things were different. I want to enjoy it. At the moment I’d settle for being content for the rest of my life. Enjoyment or happiness would be a total bonus.

If I really want a shot at that happiness then I must put other things aside and put me first.

 

Finding who I am

Tags

friends, mefirst, personality, personality test, relationships, self-awareness

As a child I had so few friends that I probably clung on to the ones I did have in a stultefying way. As an adult I felt too inadequate to want to have to explain myself and my situation to anyone so I struggled alone through failing relationships without having a reliable confidante.

Even now when I not only have good friends, but friends who can cope with listening to me talk about how I feel I am reluctant to burden them. I don’t want to bore them because I’m scared, deep down, of losing them. And so, when life gets tougher, I tend to draw inward and close down. A lot more books get read and a lot fewer late nights. Not all of that is bad.

I find it difficult, not to trust my friends, but to put my confidence into their trust, to pick up the phone and say, “I need a rant.” I still find it difficult to pick up the phone to people, in case they just say “who?” On some level I know that’s ridiculous but I still prefer to text rather than ring so I’m not interrupting (something far more important than talking to me) and so they have time to recognise the name.

Yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds.

Ultimately though it’s not surprising. After all, if I don’t like me very much, how can I expect anyone else to? This also applies to the way I don’t take care of my body in terms of exercise, activity, feeding. If I don’t like me then why should I take care of my shell? It’s as unimportant as I am.

When meeting a stranger, we talk. We find common interests, areas we are both interested in even if we disagree. We spend time together. How do I do that when the stranger is me?

I need to get to know myself. Not the me that I think I am, but the me that is really there.

I’m a O47-C89-E31-A38-N84 Big Five

Let’s have a look at that.

Openness to Experience/Intellect: O47 – “You typically don’t seek out new experiences.” I think I do, but they make me nervous until they’ve stopped being new.

Conscientiousness: C89 – “You are very well-organized, and can be relied upon.” I totally agree.

Extraversion: E31 – “You tend to shy away from social situations.” Again, I think I do, but new situations with new people make me nervous and it takes me a while before I can settle down to enjoy them.

Agreeableness: A38 – “You find it easy to express irritation with others.” No I don’t. I am still learning to complain (in un-British fashion). I tend to make excuses for other people’s behaviour rather than complain.

Neuroticism: N84 – “You are a generally anxious person and tend to worry about things.” Yes, although I would like to be less so.

So, although I agree with two of these, the other three I disagree with. Now this was only a quick survey so it’s not accurate but it shows either that I’m not who I think I am, or that I don’t realise who I am, or that I don’t act how I am.

A similar Jung Typology Test (60 questions)has the following result:

ENTJ

Extravert(1%)  iNtuitive(38%)  iNtuitive  Thinking(1%)  Judging(89%)

• You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
• You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (38%)
• You have marginal or no preference of Thinking over Feeling (1%)
• You have strong preference of Judging over Perceiving (89%)

I don’t like that much either.

In these terms I would describe myself as an introvert who is trying to be an extrovert and who can appear to be one. I think I seek out new experiences, although I may be very nervous about them. I’m very conscientious. I do try and understand and empathise with people rather than getting cross with them. I am neurotic but would prefer not to be. Reading more about the difference between Intuition and Sensing I would agree with being slightly more Intuition. I definitely think more than I feel. and I try my damndest never to judge someone. As to Judging v Perceiving, I’ve had to look it up again and am not sure. Judging is the task list, time management sensible part of me and Perceiving is more the going with the flow part of me. If I am more J than P then I am trying to shift it to more P.

So after that what do we know? I’m confused. There are bits of me that I like and bits of me that I’m trying to change. There is definitely a feeling of good/bad characteristics rather than acceptance.

I need to think about this some more.