I am going to keep coming up against it until I deal with it. So I need to deal with it.
It feels like stating the bleeding obvious. But if I am going to level up in life, as we were talking about with Rogers’ 7 stages of process then I need to break through this barrier. Never mind that I need to find a specialist to do the work, or that it costs or that I don’t want to start from scratch. I need to.
The reason people stay in stages 4-5 is that you can become yourself enough to be able to deal with what is in front of you. Once you’ve dealt with it you can stay where you are in your comfort zone. You don’t need to push yourself forward.
In slightly old fashioned video games you play a level collecting tricks and tools, fighting bad guys along the way until you come to the end of a level. At this point you have to fight a boss, a really bad-ass bad guy, probably giant in size, stature and ability. You will die several times before you beat him. You will use all your tools and tricks. But you eventually master him and defeat him, winning a bumper crop of new tools and tricks. And you start the next level. You have levelled up. It has been hard work because you have to try and fail multiple times before you get there.
This is much the same thing as moving out of stage 5 where you’re OK, you can cope, life is good. You occasionally brush up against something you haven’t dealt with but you can push it to one side and ignore it unless it is really stopping you do something important to you.
I keep coming up against this vulnerable core, this nub at the heart of me. This is the bit that says despite everything I know and understand about my parents, my childhood, what they did to me, how that carried on with partners so that I took decades before I began addressing my needs. How despite understanding all that shit, I still feel right at the heart of me that I am useless and will get found out, despite my ability to behave like I’m competent at living my life. This is why I don’t want to apply for a job, or to put my heart on paper for a work placement. It’s also why I don’t want to look for a potential partner, a relationship by whatever name or purpose. It’s even why I am reluctant to argue about random news, politics, ideas, whatever because I don’t want to put up my views and get them knocked down. I feel that I am a fraud, despite knowing that it’s not true.
If I want to move on and not be stuck with this feeling that makes me cry, that hurts, then I need to tackle the elephant in the room. I also will not complete the diploma without it and will not make a good counsellor.
I need to ask for help in finding the right specialist and I need to focus on addressing it as much as I can in the meantime. It is another thing I have to do that adds to the list of things I have to do but I have to do it. It is actually more important than anything else.