For the second time since I started this blog I’ve gone without posting for a few weeks. I return on the anniversary of my first post purely accidentally.
So what stopped me writing? Firstly an awful cold that went on for a good month and laid me in bed for a full week. This was brought to me by my parents who manfully struggled one by one to come visit despite their cold. I’ve told them not to visit again while ill.
Then, just as I was getting over it I took a week out to sand my floors in the two principal rooms downstairs. I ripped out the carpets and a wonderful friend did most of the hard work sanding floorboards while I gazed on admiringly. Not only do I now have two beautiful looking floors but my breathing has eased. I was on a twice a day inhaler, just for occasional tightness in the chest, but I’ve been able to give it up so a personal result at all.
The downside of doing the floors was that while moving everything around I knocked the computer and only just have it back today after several false fixes. I’ve had other computers to work with but not my data and not all my software so it’s all been very frustrating. And I’ve had no music either which has been so quiet.
On top of that I’ve now been on anti-depressants for a month and while I find the positive effects great and wish I’d started on them years ago (yes, really) it’s taken a while to settle down. I slept very badly for the first few weeks and I’ve noticed that if I have more than a few drinks I just don’t sleep at all which has made for a very tiring Christmas. My dreams have been more vivid which is good and bad and there were a few other minor side effects which seem to have settled down. I’m going back to my GP (doctor) next week for a review but she said give it 6 weeks to see how I then felt.
I am feeling more positive, if you couldn’t tell from the above, and managed to tidy up the house to my satisfaction before having a good and fun Christmas.
There are other updates to give but I really wanted to tell you what I’ve been thinking. Christmas for me is always a time for thinking and reviewing the year, often while peeling potatoes or dressing the tree but it’s 10 days when much of life shuts out and allows one to focus.
Rosie before sending me her book asked me whether I was ready to get rid of self-hate. That resonated, along with a few other things that we talked about at our HAES UK meeting and it’s all been percolating through my brain.
I understand the concept of loving my body regardless of its shape but I can’t do it. I also understand the concept of loving me warts and all but I can’t do it. I recognise the need for exercise, not as part of a futile weight loss programme, but as an effort to get fit and healthy, but I can’t maintain it for more than a month or so despite finding exercise that fits in with my life. I recognise the need to spend more time planning my meals and cooking them, let alone addressing the virtues of mindful or intuitive eating. My bra size has gone up in the last few years from a 38B to a 52C newly ordered today at four times the price and a lot less pretty (that’s UK sizes). Bits of me chafe. I’m uncomfortable with my size on a practical basis as well as an emotional one.
I can’t do these for more than short periods because on some level I don’t feel I’m worth it, I don’t think I deserve it. I struggle to say that I hate myself, although I’ve found it a lot easier to say that I hate my body and the way I look but I do. This also crystallised when we were talking about 2son’s not looking after his body with his physical self-neglect representing his unhappiness with himself and life. This is what I do too, in a different way.
So, let me admit it. I hate myself. Not all the time, but when I see other people doing things that I want to do or want to have done, but at the same time realise that I could never let myself do them I hate myself. When I realise how far I’ve still got to go on this journey I hate myself. I find it really difficult to admit as I’ve spent much of my life trying to put the stuff I can’t deal with to one side and to have a positive attitude to help get through the rest.
How I’m going to break this up I don’t really know. I’ve had two sessions with my new therapist so it’s very early days but we shall progress. I am going to start on Rosie’s book tomorrow which is also going to help. I’m also going to start trying for some exercise, several times a week.
I might add food to that, but only once I’ve finished the Christmas puddings and mountains of cheese that I have.
PS If I follow your blog, I have been reading them, I just haven’t felt up to commenting but promise to get back to it. I’d like to say thank you to all my followers on here or on Twitter for the courage you/they’ve given me and the experiences shared. I admire you for being honest, as I am trying to do the same.