Exactly two weeks after 2son was sectioned and walked into an ambulance they have removed the section and he is now a voluntary patient. 3son and I took him out on Saturday, just going to the local park for a visit. So slow progress is being made.
At home though 3son and 4son are fighting a lot. It seems the only way to stop them is to put them in separate rooms doing separate things and then they argue about who’s had how much time doing what and whether there has been a strictly equal apportion of computer or Wii time. 3son said that 2son helped to stop them fighting so it was harder not having him here to stop arguments. Last Sunday they spent over 2 hours arguing over Lego pieces. It’s wearing me down. It has been for months but now that 2son is removed from the equation I’m realising how much of it is not about him.
I find this really hard to resolve. 3son gets upset at 4son for bursting into tears and says he’s over-reacting and that by doing so 3son gets more blame because he doesn’t get as upset. He accuses me of loving 4son more and being nicer to him. This of course means that I bend over backwards to not show any preferential treatment to 4son and I’m fully aware that I find him a lot easier to deal with. 3son wants to be proved right in the whole conflict dredging up what happened six months ago. I just want the two of them to be able to resolve things amicably and I don’t really care who is right. This irritates 3son who then accuses me of not caring. And so it goes on.
I’m sleeping more solidly and having more normally random dreams rather than re-visiting the same bad ones but I’m waking up tired most days and no longer able to sleep in at the weekends and catch up. I’m going to bed early and staying up watching television or reading and not actually going to sleep early.
I have, over the last month, given up any attempts at food planning and eating properly. My exercise has taken a major hit as well. I just can’t be bothered. Having spent three weeks doing the minimum of work with Easter holidays and worrying about 2son I’m now hitting deadlines and having to force myself to catch up when I still don’t feel bothered. And, on top of all that, I have to take time out to go and visit 2son. This sounds incredibly mean but 3son and I were gone for five hours yesterday which was a good chunk out of the day. I didn’t go and visit him during the week because I couldn’t find the energy. Then I had to persuade myself to not feel guilty.
I haven’t started on the cleaning I need to do since he’s gone. I need to wash his bed frame and other places where he has smeared faeces but I haven’t the energy. I haven’t even hoovered for a few week and that’s a lot easier and quicker. I’m tired of waking up tired. I suppose I expected to find life dramatically easier without 2son at home and it’s not. I miss his conversations and company.
That’s all a bit of a rant and a confused one at that. The family therapist phoned up and I demanded regular sessions so we’ve booked in three, three weeks apart. She doesn’t sound enthused about it all but I’m pushing her, explaining all this and saying yes, we do need it to continue.
So I’m fed up, frustrated, tired and burdened. It’s still a heavy load.