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Fighting For Sanity

~ Sort of not depressed, flirting with mindfulness

Fighting For Sanity

Tag Archives: struggle

The End of Another Year

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by Catriona in personal

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fear, friends, improvement, progress, struggle

I started this blog three years ago in misery:

…a life that seems, other than my children, to have been a complete waste of time. I find it difficult to look forward to the future as I see no reason for it being any better than the past.

I have come a long way since then.

I’m finishing this year on a far more up-beat note. I still have my moments of course and while I would like to consider lowering my daily dosage of anti-depressants that thought also fills me with fear. In any case, it’s not a decision to be made over the Christmas holiday period.

I’ve improved. Continue reading →

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So This is Depression

04 Sunday Dec 2011

Posted by Catriona in mental health, personal

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acceptance, depression, GP, struggle

So according to my GP’s official quick quiz I am severely to moderately depressed.

It was so hard. I did feel like cancelling or saying that I wasn’t that bad really.

I went home and shook. It felt as if I’d crossed a line that I’d never dared imagine crossing.

Then I thought about it.

These moods that have been ever increasing over the last few months where I don’t want to do anything, when I’ve got no energy, no motivation, no desire to move, if these do not form part of depression then what does?

I’m struggling to admit that I’m depressed. I feel that I’ve been fighting this for half of my life and I’ve suddenly given up. Whether it’s been pride or stubbornness I’m finding the thought that I actually am depressed somewhat depressing.

As such I’ve totally slumped this weekend, even left my friends in the pub early on a Saturday night rather than staying till the end. I think it’s about accepting a reality that I have long denied because I didn’t want to accept it. Maybe I should have done it years ago.

I’ve withdrawn from other people gradually over the last few months. I don’t have to do the school run any more so I’m quite often not leaving the house of a day and I don’t see my friends from school at all.

I’m struggling. Struggling to get up, to talk to the children, to cook, to do anything except for slumping in front of the computer. As for trying to persuade 2son to take any sort of little steps well forget it, I really cannot put the effort in.

Pills are for Softies

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Catriona in health, personal, well-being

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anti-depressants, depressed, doctor, failure, GP, struggle

It is bloody ridiculous that I feel so anxious about going to the GP (doctor) but I do.

I’m going to ask for anti-depressants, something that I’ve thought of, off and on, for a long time but never asked for. I did discuss it once but at the time I didn’t really feel they would do me any good and wasn’t really asking for them. My GP then said that she would prescribe them if I wanted but didn’t really feel they would do any good.

So what’s changed?

I made the appointment a month ago (necessary to get the one GP in the practice who actually listens, and she only works part-time) when 2son had stopped going to CATE or to CAMHS. I really struggled for a fortnight to get out of bed every morning. If I didn’t have the other two boys to get off to school I don’t think I would have. What’s the point was my waking thought. I’m going to spend the day chasing 2son to get up and he’s not going to. Or he is going to get out of bed, but no more than that. I’m going to expend energy and emotion and it’s all going down the pan, unused and unwanted. It’s depressing.

The sad and pathetic truth is also that I was  brought up that pills and medicine were for softies (and southerners, but don’t let’s start on that), for weak people who didn’t have the strength to get better by themselves, mind over matter. Yes I know how ridiculous that sounds. But I see anti-depressants as an admission of failure to cope with life and anything less than 100% success is, according to my father, total failure. I somehow feel that I’m coping better if I don’t label myself as depressed because that puts me a step above those who are, on the ladder of life. I’m doing better than people who have that label.

And yet, maybe if I admitted that yes I am depressed, I might get some help that would be, well, helpful. Although there are moments when I slump so low I will honestly say that right now I am depressed, for the most part I won’t. Is that because I’m not depressed for 90% of the time or just because I won’t admit it? I really don’t know.

But I am worried for my sanity, and that of my children. And I’m worried that I decreasingly have the capacity to deal with any of them when there are problems or arguments. The amount of time I think “sod off, sort it out yourself, I don’t care and haven’t the patience” is increasing and that worries me.

I feel guilty and embarrassed to ask for medical assistance here. I still hear my father’s words that I ought somehow to have just got over all this. I know that attitude’s wrong but nevertheless it’s still sunk in.

I shall struggle to say it tomorrow, but I will say it.

Somehow.

Random Ramblings

21 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by Catriona in diary, personal

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can't be arsed, mefirst, struggle

Last night I didn’t collapse into bed but instead went to the cinema. I went for a 6.30 showing which meant that I could be tucked up in bed at 9 o’clock. I did contemplate staying for the next film but instead returned home sensibly, was in bed by 9 with lights off before 11. I also didn’t get a takeaway on the way home which I often do at that time. I was too tired to contemplate eating it. So that was a compromise that worked.

I’m feeling more awake now but still struggling to find any enthusiasm for life at the moment. I got the dance mat out yesterday and realised how much fitness I’ve lost since I last used it. I didn’t cook properly the last couple of days as I’m far too tired in the afternoon so this morning I made a bolognese while 2son was having his breakfast.

This is what happens. I start off the term with positive thoughts and enthusiasm and it all just fades away. I don’t even want to write this. I’m cutting back on work and have said so. I don’t feel that I know what I’m doing.

I don’t think there’s any clever answer to this. I just have to keep on pushing, keep on getting them up in the morning and out the door and hoping that one day 2son will find mornings easier. I’m also aware that 3son is still in his honeymoon period at school: it’s all new, exciting and positive but at some point the novelty will wear off and then I expect him to find it harder getting up.

At the moment I really feel that I haven’t the energy to drive anything forward but have to respond to events. I don’t like that as it feels that I’m giving up control to other people rather than making my own way forward. Maybe that’s what I need to do at the moment.

We’re Wired to Maintain A Healthy Weight

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Catriona in HAES, health, mental health, personal, well-being

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confusion, exercise, HAES, struggle, weight

Health at Every SizeFrom the Preface “I learned that I didn’t have an eating problem, but I clearly had a problem taking care of myself”.

I’ve looked after my mother. I’ve tried to look after my family at times, to be ‘piggy in the middle’ between different family members. I’ve looked after my partners and my children. I shall go on looking after my children until I die. I’m not very good at looking after me. I’m very aware that this is where all that lack  of self-esteem has led me and now that I’ve reached the point where I need to learn to look after me if I want to progress as a human being I need help and guidance. Hence the reading.

The first chapter looks at the physiological way our body monitors and regulates our metabolism, hunger, appetite, feeling full, body fat. If left alone, our body would fluctuate gently around a natural level, a setpoint. Losing weight by dieting can raise this setpoint to protect the body against future starvation. By dieting we’re forcing our body to not do what it’s supposed to do and the system breaks down.

“Your body wants to maintain the status quo and is stubbornly resistant to change. When you lose body fat, the very loss of fat triggers processes to reclaim it. So losing weight in and of itself is counterproductive to maintaining weight loss”.

My body weight has fluctuated since I first gave birth. I put on an extra stone for each pregnancy, weight that I subsequently more or less lost. I lost two stone when I got divorced. I went to Weight Watchers and achieved gold after my third child and got down to a size 10 (UK). That was because I was so miserable in my life that losing weight seemed the only thing I could control and achieve. After my fourth pregnancy I probably lost a stone again but then quit smoking which, whilst hugely positive, put two stone on. I started going back to Weight Watchers and that is when I realised that the whole diet thing just wasn’t going to work and gave up. I’ve steadily increased weight ever since. Now I’ve put my weight fluctuations down to pregnancies, rather than to emotional changes or influences in my life at the time and of course these two overlap.

I understand that I am confused about my body and I’m appreciating that whilst some of this is due to childhood influences around food, a lot is also due to the cultural pressure to look good in order to feel good, rather than the other way round. Going back to the previous post I don’t trust my intuition about food. I used to. I feel that I eat relatively healthily and that confuses me.

I do drink too much alcohol and am fully aware of that. I vary between not drinking, trying to minimise consumption, and not worrying about it. I am quite happy to just have a glass or two at home of an evening, or half a dozen beers or so if I’m out. And anywhere in between.

As to my metabolism, well I’m always tired. I sleep fitfully, waking up several times during the night and often struggling to get to sleep in the first place. I can’t sleep in much even when I have the opportunity. I feel, but again I no longer trust my instincts, that I spend too much time sitting down and not enough being physically active, whether formal exercise or otherwise. I do struggle with exercise as it makes me think of all those walks I went on as a child, whether I wanted to or not and the lack of enjoyment and loneliness that came with. I need to throw off those connotations.

I feel that everything’s wrong about the way I physically live or that if it’s not wrong, I don’t know that it’s right. I’m only just realising how confused I am.

Quotes are taken from “Health at Every Size” by Linda BaconHealth at Every Size

Intuitive Eating

25 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Catriona in HAES, health, mental health, personal, well-being

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HAES, Intuitive Eating, struggle

Cecily talks about Intuitive Eating in her blog, and although it sounded odd, after the third or fourth time she mentioned it I decided to give it a go. This was about May of last year, so almost exactly a year ago.

Intuitive EatingThe 10 principles of Intuitive Eating can be found on their website and if you’re interested I recommend reading them but they start off with these: give up diets; eat when hungry; stop when full; if you’re eating for other reasons then sort them out, make peace with food (such as stopping the need to clear plate because “there are children starving…”); stop the food police (chocolate bad, muesli good). In short, enjoy eating good food when you’re hungry, and stop eating food for the wrong reasons and learn to treat your body with respect.

The Don't Diet Live-It! WorkbookI read the book which all made sense and tried to start to apply it. I joined Through Thick and Thin, a support forum for eating disorders and started to talk my way through this.

Through advice given on the forum I started another book, The Don’t Diet Live-It! Workbook which, as the name suggests, has a lot of worksheets, or journeys to complete as you read through the book. I started, did a few which I posted on the forum.

Health at Every SizeLastly I got, but never opened, Health at Every Size, a book to “help heal your relationship with food and bodies”.

Now I stopped using the forum back in October so I only spent about five months actively thinking about all this. I also stopped feeling positive about the forum feeling slightly ignored (possibly because I didn’t use it as fully as I could). I was also aware that I couldn’t quite cope with other members’ positive attitudes finding them too opposite from my own emotions; I couldn’t just be happy for them. However I do think the forum participation gave me the encouragement to start this blog which in itself is a good achievement.

I need to go back and read these books again, or for the first time. I need to think about what I’m reading which also means writing about it.

I found this post quite difficult to write, considering I’m only writing about what has happened but the closer I get to talking this personally about me the harder it is and the more I struggle not to just give up and leave it for another day. This is certainly something I need to take to counselling.

Exercise and me

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Catriona in health, personal, well-being

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

exercise, regular, struggle, well-being, wii

I struggle with exercise. I don’t drive so I do walk a lot which helps, but it’s never going to get me fit, just keep me from being slightly less fit.

I have never found a mode of exercise that I really enjoyed and found pleasure in which has been the principal stumbling block to exercise.

I finally started to break this last year at a friend’s 50th birthday party when, not knowing many people, I danced for about 6 hours straight to the best DJ ever. As I ached the next day, I thought, as I have done whenever I’ve had a good dance, wouldn’t it be nice to do that two or three times a week, just for the sheer enjoyment of it.

Well that’s a bit impractical, but combined with children having tried out dance mats at a local school (thanks to Extended Schools) and my having purchased a Wii for my 40th, it turned out I could combine the two and get a Wii dance mat. So I did.

And for the first time, I exercised 4-7 times a week. And enjoyed it. Did not consider it a chore. Then I started a fitness programme on the Wii and kept up with that for a good three months.

So, despite everything else that has been going on last year, I managed to maintain regular exercise for a good six months for the first time. Good stuff.

Come November though, I just lost the will to live and gave up completely.

So here we are, two months later, less fit, and certainly fatter. I’m finally trying to get back into fitness (not as a New Year’s Resolution, but because it’s time) and concentrate on feeling good after having exercised; the sense of achievement that combines with achy and tired muscles to make me feel it was worth it.

I’m also going to attempt to write a weekly fitness diary, just to see whether it helps to keep me going.

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