As this week sees normality back to routine, with 2son and 4son back at school and 3son at work all week, I have an opportunity to pause and breathe.
I am verging on being depressed enough to start anti-depressants. I didn’t think that was a risk at the moment. I have enjoyed my time with my children and have got annoyed precisely four times over the last three weeks, which is amazing. Three of those occasions were due to my parents.
And yet here I am, struggling to get going.
I have been trying to focus on sleep over the last week, trying out a couple of sleep apps and have even signed up for the local IAPT online sleep course, which is all CBT based. I’ve tried the apps before and although having a nice graph showing me my sleep pattern, which is never quite as bad as I think it is, I don’t see how that helps. The graph isn’t accurate enough, showing light sleep rather than being awake but it’s a fair guide. I have tried a few of Calm’s sleep stories over the holidays, some of which were conducive to sleep, some of which weren’t. All these things conflict with not using your phone before bedtime. So that’s on my mind.
I haven’t done anything counselling related. I haven’t opened a library book that I brought home at the end of term; I haven’t looked at my essays that are worth starting on; I haven’t looked at my notes; I haven’t looked at a podcast; I haven’t looked at placements.
I have been using my SAD lamp in the morning and wonder if I should be using it for longer. There’s been a slight tendency to wake up later and get up quicker so its use has naturally been curtailed. There’s little real data about how much to use.
As I’ve already said I turned the heating up a little bit. I still get cold whilst sitting down and am not happy about turning it up more, especially in the daytime. I try and use it as a cue to go and do something physical but that doesn’t always work.
I have just bought trousers that seem a little tight round the waist and I can’t work out whether to accept that I’m going up a size and feel bad about that or to wear them for a few days on the assumption that they will stretch, as all new trousers do. I do not want to go up a size or to accept that is what is happening but my mind will also not clear enough for me to make a decision, so I’ve just put them to one side for the moment.
I have been keeping up my Pilates and meditation and I think I need either a second meditation or a longer one but I can’t quite get my head round it. I will do the half hour Pilates without complaint (or switch it with a shorter routine if I have plans) but doubling my meditation in the morning just seems too much. I should probably try doing an evening one before bedtime but am not quite there.
We have had our winter solstice and the daylight is already noticeably longer. Do I just accept that this is where I am at the moment and try and rest easy, knowing that the sunlight will come back and make me feel better? I would say yes but there are things I want to get on with and feel bad about not. My brain seems to just oscillate between these two opposites resulting in no peace for me at all.