Pain

Tags

back, exercise, hot water bottle, pain, wii

Well I’ve done my back in again.

I spent most of the night trying to find a position that didn’t make me want to scream with pain. And then trying to stay there.

My back’s always been weak. I blame it on carrying four children myself. That and bending over rather than bending at the knees.

Oh and having given up the school run last year means I don’t automatically have two daily walks, however short.

I gave up exercising on the Wii some six months ago.

All these factors have something to say in it.

So I started off doing my back exercises this morning and got back on the Wii. Possibly I’m the least fit I’ve ever been. There’s something to cheer me up on top of everything else.

I can’t stay in any position without pain and yet I don’t want to move. I walked around for most of the day yesterday with a hot water bottle stuffed down my trousers. It might sound stupid but it helps a lot. Even a hot bath didn’t do much.

It’s a shame that I need 48 hours of pain to act as a wake up call to look after my body. Here’s hoping that this time I can find the motivation to continue with it.

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Focus

Tags

assessment, beautiful you, counselling, exercise, focus, modalities, reputation, safe, sustainable, therapy, trust, wii

Yesterday we had our fourth counselling session. This is the time when you decide, if ready, whether you and the therapist are going to stick with each other for the rest of therapy.

For no particular reason this led off into a discussion on how therapy worked at the institute and what effect having a limited time with each therapist means. Different therapists are working at different levels (some therapists, some counsellors) and different modalities, with my current one developing her integrative skills.

What is good about this is that each therapist takes a slightly different view, with his/her different skills, level of development and personality. By the time it comes to the end of 9-10 months with a therapist I feel I know what they’re going to pull me up on and I can avoid those areas if I want to. I enter a comfort zone with my therapist and I’m not there to be comfortable. I do wonder what happens when you’re with the same therapist permanently and you feel so comfortable that it stops being challenging.

Each year you are assessed, by a separate therapist, who determines what level and type of help you need and assigns you a therapist with whom you then start. You can specify gender as well if you want to. So I have to explain myself from scratch in a session and then start the same again. Every time I do this it’s different because I am at a different stage in the process and what I’m thinking about or wanting to focus on changes as my perception of reality changes. This new assessment always encourages me to re-assess myself: where I am, what I’ve learned and what I want to focus on.

The disadvantage of this of course is that I spend several sessions with each therapist just telling my life story, and depending on their level of training it might take them a month or two before they really participate and start working me. But I feel this is a minor disadvantage.

This institute is safe; I feel comfortable and relaxed walking through the door. It’s a happy positive environment. Also whenever I talk to psychiatrists or psychologists or therapists of any sort and mention the name, they either trained there, or respect it as one of the best (or indeed both). So professionally it has a superb reputation and I trust the organisation. This means that I don’t really have to learn to trust the individual therapist as they sort of come pre-vetted. The other vast advantage is that it’s cheap. Fees depend on means but start at £5 a session. Can’t complain about that!

This was not really what I went in to talk about.

Where do I go this year? The big vision (going back to #5) is the freedom to be me, to be happy. This is quite a wide woolly vague vision although still perfectly valid. I don’t know how to make that big step so I’m starting with the little steps that I can focus on.

These are:-

Reading Beautiful You and going through the challenges without beating myself up over skipping one (#15) or not doing one every day. I skipped yesterday and am not going to manage it today as well. Learn the little habits, like smiling at myself in the mirror rather than frowning, or stopping self-denigrating thoughts before they form in the hope that eventually they will just stop forming. I know it’s all about changing my mindset, how I think, how I see myself and these little things will help me change the bigger picture.

Exercise: I am focusing on enjoying it. I’m thinking about the short term immediate benefit, not the long term putative better fitness that may follow after a year or two. But I am thinking about this good feeling that follows exercise, feeling energised and able to sit down and word harder and concentrate  more at the PC. I’m doing, or aiming to do a half hour in the morning (workout or Zumba) and then when I feel like slumping in the afternoon doing an hour or so of dancing or some such  exercise. I am focusing on that energising feeling and I’m noticing the difference in what my muscles can achieve between one day and the next. I’m trying to just think about that. I’ve done well these past few weeks, have mostly had 2 sessions every day, and again, I’m not beating myself up if I only do one or don’t manage any. I’m trying to tweet them when I’ve done for the record but seem to forget more often than not.

I’m not really trying to focus on anything else. These are two major things, blogging every day which takes time and nigh on two hours in front of the Wii as well. I need to plan meals better and all that sort of stuff but these two will do for now. What matters is whether I can keep this level up over the next few months and not lose interest as I always have done when trying for a sustainable lifestyle change.

 

 

Charting an Eating Journal

Tags

aware, eating, emotional eating, emotions, HAES, hunger, mefirst, mindful eating, rhythm, time, wii

This follows on from a  previous post as I go through HAES.

The last chapter talks about writing an eating journal which involves evaluating how hungry/full you are before and after eating, and thinking about the mood you’re in.

I started this on Monday and have noted several things. For me this has been about starting to think about food rather than just eating it. I certainly didn’t realise that a silly little chart would make me think about all this.

I haven’t filled it in every day, was very very conscientious on Monday and then I lost the thread and wasn’t feeling very well on Wednesday/ Thursday.

Working from home means that I am a lot more flexible about when I eat, how often and what I eat. This means that for the most part I don’t wait until I’m starving and then stuff myself although there are times when I’m concentrating on work and just don’t get round to it. So I might well have a mid-morning and/or an early afternoon snack rather than trying to get from breakfast to lunch to dinner without eating in between (Weight Watchers mentality).

So I am thinking about the rhythm of meals. I note that I only want breakfast early in the morning if I’ve had an early dinner the night before. If I eat with the children in the evening and don’t snack afterwards, I’m hungry in the morning and eat breakfast with 4son. I am now listening for that hunger and having breakfast appropriately rather than trying to leave it until after the school run. This starts the day off.

I’m thinking about what to eat. Rather than do what my children do, which is go and open the fridge door, stare into it and think about food, I’m staying at my desk and deciding what I would like to eat. This means I’m listening to my internal cues rather than responding to the external cues of the contents of my fridge and cupboards. This morning I actually cooked bacon and eggs for 4son as requested and, having already decided I wanted cereal, I didn’t change my mind and join in with him, and didn’t feel I was missing out.

I’m also noticing something which I have tried reacting to before, which is that I have tended to go for food when I’m bored with sitting down. So now, when my mind starts to wander which is every 1-2 hours I get off my bum and go and play on the Wii for five, ten minutes or even up to half an hour. I’m not seeing this as exercise but as a wake up. It’s the physical equivalent of chucking cold water on your face to wake me up. It reminds me that I have a body and that I need to be physically active as well as mentally. I’m not thinking about it in terms of weight loss (“must do 20 minutes before you burn calories so anything less is wasted” – Exercise as part of weight loss diet mentality) or in terms of getting fit. I’m having fun and waking up my body instead. When I’m done, then if I’m still feeling hungry, rather than just refreshed, I’ll think about what I want to eat before going to the kitchen. Sometimes I eat, others the break is what I wanted and I can return to work. I’m also being a bit more active round the house, doing gardening and cleaning in 5 minute bursts rather than setting aside an hour or so which is more positive and means I resent that time, especially cleaning, less.

Now that I’m not doing school pick up I am using that time to prepare dinner so I’m not rushing it and have the time to think about it. We’re now in our second week of trying out new recipes and it does mean that I have the ingredients and only have to decide which one of the weekly selection I should cook. This means that dinner is on the table when everyone is home, that I don’t have to start cooking then. We’re not necessarily eating any earlier but we’re eating better and I tend to be hungry with them.

I’m still eating in front of the computer during the daytime but I am trying to savour it rather than just shovelling it in. I’m not ready for this step yet. Eating with the children, whether morning or evening, is done with conversation and/or Radio4 so I do think more about the food but I’m also focusing on conversation, children’s eating manners and, sometimes, not throttling them.

I still tend to finish my plateful but I am reducing the amount I put on it and pausing before thinking about seconds. I’m also making sure I have some carbs with every meal rather than seeing them as unnecessary stodge. I’m eating a bit more fruit although not enough. I’m trying to be more aware of fibre as I’m not eating enough, to make sure I’m bulking out meals a bit with fibre as with carbs so I’m not just eating 0-points food in Weight Watchers terminology with a bit of protein. If I’m feeling a bit over-full I’m going back on the Wii for 10 minutes before returning to my desk.

That’s all on a good day. I have noticed quite clearly how much easier it is for me to think, feel and be aware of food when I’m not tired, cranky or in a rush. When I have been I’ve cooked quick foods for the boys rather than good foods and I’ve similarly grabbed snacks rather than thinking about what I actually want. Some of these things I’ve been trying to alter or altering over the last few years but this chapter has really helped enable me to focus and concentrate on the small changes.

So I need to carry on putting me first, taking the time to cook, think, prepare food, make shopping lists and play on the Wii, let alone actually put my feet up and relax. I’m trying to condense work and to not take on so much, to be more relaxed about what I can’t do in a week and to try and set smaller targets. This is all about switching from thinking about tick box lists, work or target achievements and to think about what I need and what my body needs in terms of space and time for my internal needs rather than externally measurable goals. It’s also about rejecting my father’s Five and Ten Year Plans with respect to career and financial progress.

It’s about me.

 

Quotes are taken from “Health at Every Size” by Linda Bacon

First Week Back

Tags

back to school, food, frustration, grind, now, routine, school, time, tired, wii

As ever, the first week back after the summer break is a bit of a shock to the system. This time it was even more brutal as we are now getting up half an hour earlier than we used to (half six) in order for 3son to go to school.

On Tuesday 2son failed to get up at all to see psych. That was incredibly frustrating and draining as it meant I was running up and down the stairs every half hour or so, giving him a prod to try and get him up, but all to no avail. Having said that he then got up for the rest of the week with little or no reminder to attend CATE so on balance he had a good week. I’d also said to him at the weekend that he had a choice: I could either shave his hair off, or cut half the length off and nit comb the rest, or we could tediously nit-comb the hair that he has. He of course chose the latter. With his hair approaching shoulder length and not having brushed or combed it in the last year it took over half an hour to get a brush through it and then the best part of two hours to get a nit-comb through it. That was Monday’s activity. He has since recognised that brushing it every day only takes a couple of minutes and we’ve agreed on nit-combing twice a week to get rid of the buggers. This should hopefully be the last push with all of them getting older and it would be bloody marvellous to get rid of all of them in all our heads.

3son really enjoyed his first week at school. He’s made friends, thinks the food is awesome (his word, not mine) and that even the strict teachers are funny and exciting. He’s a little excessively pleased with himself and a bit condescending with 4son but I’m just happy that so far all is good. I know full well that the problems occur when the novelty wears off, but 3son is not 2son.

4son is now going to school on his own. He asked me to come and pick him up just so I could bring the football after school so I explained that he was capable of carrying it just as well as I am. It’s the first time he’s been to school without an elder brother and that’s no doubt slightly bizarre for him but he was independent much earlier than 3son and is enjoying going off on his own. He’s also developed a friendship with a boy from a different school and they knock on each other’s doors at the weekend and go off to the park together. So his independence is growing and he feels more able to just pop to the park to see if there’s anyone to play with. As the mornings are half an hour longer that’s given me the time to spend 20 minutes playing Wii with him before he goes to school which is good for both of us as he has no-one to play with in the mornings as 3son has already left when he awakes and 4son is still asleep.

Even 1son has started college and although I don’t have to take care of the day-to-day issues as he’s with his dad during the week,  he’s pleased with the first week and happy that there aren’t any dickheads in his group (his word). I really hope this works for him; seeing if he can just get past this term will be the great thing and we’re still not altogether sure how his benefits play out.

So that leaves me. Last, not first.

The first week back always makes me realise how relaxed the holidays are in comparison, whether we’ve gone away or not. In the holiday I can lie in every day if I so choose; their needs are few and they’d be quite happy staying in and playing computer games non stop if I let them; work diminishes to a trickle that I can cope with; this Summer I didn’t try and do my normal domestic clear out, just the bits I wanted to. I tried to let go and to a certain extent succeeded, spending more time writing and thinking about myself than I had really expected.

This week I’ve struggled with my writing with most of my posts having been written on a train journey last week. I have been reading other blogs but not really spending time thinking and writing about what they bring up. I have been doing this first thing in the morning which is a positive although I still find it difficult to allow myself the permission to do so. During the day when I’ve found my thoughts wandering and not concentrating I have happily gone and played Wii for 2 minutes which is helping and I’m not feeling that guilty about it. I’ve also decided to try and take Wednesday off work and to keep it for housekeeping and other non-work chores that I don’t want to have to do at the weekend as I’m trying to keep that free for relaxing or going out with the boys. All this means of course that I’ve worked less this week and although I find it perverse to say so in the current economic climate, less work is better.

Both this weekend and the last I’ve sat down the boys and told them to pick a recipe out of the student cookbooks. I’ve explained to them that we need to widen our menus, that both they and I have too narrow a selection of meals and that we need to experiment more. Some recipes have been successful  and others less so, but I keep reminding them that just trying new foods is good. I’m also making one pudding at the weekend, this time a rich chocolate cake that was very similar to one I already had and could have cooked any time. I’m using the time I’m not sitting in the park after school to cook so it’s easier to spend time cooking without it cutting into work time before they return home from school starving.

I am however shattered from the early start and gave up a couple of evenings out because I simply hadn’t the energy, even though I didn’t really go to sleep any earlier. Losing out on my social evenings frustrates me but I also recognised that I just couldn’t do it. I did give up one social evening to go to see a new film which I couldn’t manage any other night and was pleased to resist pressure to go out knowing that I was doing what I wanted to do rather than what was expected. It also meant I was in bed at the time a few hours earlier than I would have been if I’d gone out with my friends as planned.

So I have arrived at the eve of a new week feeling tired still (I didn’t sleep Saturday till much later than usual, possibly as I’d had the longest lie-in that I’ve had for years) but also feeling that I’m now on a tread mill until half term and all I can do is to run to keep up. I don’t know where to find extra time for peace in, let alone time to think in. But I have also kept to my resolutions for this term in this first week and acknowledge that sticking to them makes me feel stronger and more positive.

I’m also really wondering at what point will I stop feeling that life is a daily grind with boring routines to get my family through the day, the week, the half term, interspersed with fun. I’d much rather it was the other way round. I feel that life has been a long grind with the pleasure and fun little and rare.

There should be more.

Diary: Week 9

Tags

cooking, diary, exercise, wii

Monday: I decided to start my wii workout programme and seeing as I had time to do it before school thought I’d do it whilst feeling positive. To find that both wii remotes were flat and unusable so my good thought was stymied. I did manage it at lunchtime so completed 20 minute workout.

I also completed all the vitally urgent tasks of the day as well, despite fuming after my father being asinine. It wasn’t really important but it did take me two hours to calm down.

Tuesday: This time I managed to do my workout before the school run. It was a bit of a squeeze but also a good sense of achievement. I also managed to do what I wanted to do workwise as well.

Wednesday: No workout today (2 days on, 1 day off) and although I intended to do some dance or some form of exercise, I didn’t. Went out for lunch with a lovely lady and was in bed by 7. Didn’t quite do as much work as planned but had fun instead.

Thursday: Did my workout, again before school run. I had a meeting in the morning and spent the rest of the day feeling too shattered to find it easy to concentrate. I’ve been waking too early this past few weeks which is not helping me.

Friday/Saturday: Couldn’t quite fit it in and couldn’t find the motivation to shift something else

Sunday: I lay in bed in the morning, thinking that I couldn’t be bothered but that I hadn’t done any for the last two days and the excuse was wearing thin. So I got up and did a workout. These workouts were easy when I last did them four months ago and now I’m really struggling which just goes to show how quickly any physical progress vanishes.

As for cooking I’m trying to think about simple cooking. I’m moving back towards meat and salad and am trying to vary children’s diet a bit. They tend to rotate between pizza, pasta, something and chips, and I’ve finally found a burger they will all eat (they wouldn’t eat home made, or any of the shop made but they will not eat the most expensive one from our local supermarket). They’re absolute fusspots when it comes to food and I struggle mightily with them.

I didn’t do all that I meant to achieve this week which either means I need to work harder or set myself lower goals, which is something I find difficult as I expect perfection from myself as a minimum. My father asking me what I spent my days doing didn’t help either.

Diary: Week 6

Tags

diary, exercise, wii

Well I started off with good intentions but they all went to pot.

Monday: did an hour on the wii, one of the DDRs

Tuesday: the weather was nice so I did an hour’s gardening after school and that was it really.

Wednesday: my grandmother died and that really put paid to anything for the rest of the week.

Sunday: I did half an hour of wii fit plus an hour of DDR2.

I’m going to try and mix it up a bit this week, but it’s half term so most plans go to pieces.

Diary: Week 5

Tags

ddr, exercise, wii

Realising how badly I did the week before has encouraged me this week.

Monday: an hour of DDR on the wii, in the afternoon, knowing I was going out in the evening.

Tuesday: an hour of DDR2 on the wii.

Wenesday: 40 minutes of DDR3 on the wii

Thursday: an hour of DDR3

Friday: an hour of DDR3 in the evening. I have to say, my knees hurt and this is putting me off. I’m assuming this is just because I’m out of practice.

Saturday: managed 30 minutes or so of DDR but quite frankly I was too tired to enjoy it or do more.

Sunday: I took off…

Cooking: made a nice rice salad that is lasting, cooked roast lamb on Sunday, but no-one else seems to like lamb. 3son finally admitted that he doesn’t like meat that looks as if it came from an animal (chicken nuggets are all right) so I might have a second impending vegetarian and 1son went over to  the dark side (light side?) in January.

 

Diary

Tags

cooking, ddr, diary, well-being, wii

Skip this if you like, I won’t mind. This is giving myself a pat on the back for what I have done this week.

Monday: Managed 50′ of DDR but knees hurt, as they have done before when I’ve started exercising after a period of absence. So switched to 10 minutes of Wii Fit

Tuesday: I went out in the evening and couldn’t manage it in the daytime.

Wednesday: I went out for a short period in the evening and happily returned to do an hour of DDR.

Thursday-Sunday: I managed nothing. I couldn’t get the enthusiasm together.

Managed to cook a big pot of soup, a couscous salad, and marinated lamb for the week so did well there.

Week 3

Diary

Tags

ddr, diary, exercise, week, wii

Skip this if you like, I won’t mind. This is giving myself a pat on the back for what I have done this week.

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday: Busy in the evenings (well Monday and Tuesday) and didn’t manage anything during the day. Not good.

Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday: Managed a good hour of DDR on each.

I was not in the mood on Thursday, but thought I might have to post a completely unsuccessful week so that spurred me on.

Totally failed on the cooking front.

 

Week 2

Diary

Tags

cooking, ddr, diary, exercise, week, wii

Skip this if you like, I won’t mind. This is giving myself a pat on the back for what I have done this week.

Monday:
A half hour of DDR2 in the evening was enough to make me realise how much fitness I’d lost, just in 2 months or so.

Tuesday:
An hour of DDR2 in the evening with muscles that still ached from Monday, but it felt good.

Wednesday:
Was not working well and feeling tired, so had 45 minutes of DDR2 at lunch time to energise me. I completed the Groove Arena mode started on Monday, and contemplated re-setting all the data and starting at the beginning so I’m not competing with the fitter me of a few months ago.

Thursday:
Got DDR, the first one so managed an hour of it. So much harder when it’s new

Friday:
Day off!

Saturday:
Managed an hour in the morning, with interruption, of DDR

Sunday:
No formal exercise, but we went out for a good walk with my sister’s dog to the pub and back.
I also made a big pot of soup and 2 pasta sauces for the week.

DDR2 is Dance Dance Revolution hottest party ever 2 (yes it’s a stupid title), one of the 2 main dance mat games available on Wii (dance mats and games exist for other platforms)

Week 1