Yesterday’s therapy made me realise several things, which is kind of the point of therapy really.
I’ve been putting off starting private practice, for lots of good reasons including needing a break, caring for 2son and fighting his battles, wanting to be ready. One of the things I realised is that if I wait until the perfect moment, when I’ve got all my ducks in a row, then I will never start. I don’t need a perfect website. I could do one with just the minimum text that I need, without pretty pictures or any of the bells I am contemplating. I don’t even need a website. I could just pay my directory fee and get myself listed. Job Done. The moment is now.
The wanting to start it perfectly is my dad’s demand for perfection. That can sod well off. Let me just start.
This current feeling, anxiety over taking a leap is familiar to me. Every time I’ve done something major I have circled around it so many times before doing it. When I quit smoking the final push was the question to myself “what is my excuse going to be today?”
I’m always going to have stuff to do for 2son. That cannot be my excuse for ever. It’s not as if I’m about to start a 40 hour week job where I cannot pause to make a phone call or attend a meeting.
One of my other realisations is that I spent my childhood, from very young, watching my sisters and my mother attempt to do their own thing. If they succeeded then my father would find a way of dismissing it, and if they failed well let’s just laugh at them. No attempt at understanding the value in trying, the lessons to be learned or how to build confidence, let alone why building confidence is important. We’re talking about a man who felt the need to cheat whilst playing five year old me at Scrabble. Doing better than him was not permitted and doing different was inferior. I watched this, observed it, internalised it and struggled to feel confident about anything. It has surprised me that I hadn’t quite realised the impact of this, how it increased my fear of trying something new.
I want to feel better about myself before I start. The reality is that starting would make me feel better. The first session I have with a private client, the first time I get paid a proper session rate, the sense of achievement, this will make me feel better. The moment is now.
The reason my father planned meticulously for everything, whether a holiday or a new job, is that he was scared, fearing been found inadequate, fearing making a mistake or just fucking it up. I don’t want to be him. I have spent most of my life trying to get away from being him.
My previous counsellor used to say that starting counselling is taking a leap of faith as you never know quite what you are getting into. It is time for me to take my own leap of faith. The moment is now.
P.S. If I’m still writing this next week, kill me. Please