Writing this on a Sunday is too far away from the session and I am struggling to remember what we were doing. More skills practice. I found my observation difficult as I couldn’t quite work out what I was uncomfortable about and the person had given me some very good feedback and I felt that I hadn’t done her justice. She is awfully self-confident but I’m not sure that she’s right. Bearing in mind what our tutor had said last time I tried to say more / make bigger interventions and ended up giving advice.
We handed in our second assignment and our tutor still hasn’t returned our remarked first assignments which I actually find really annoying as she’s now taken longer on the remarks than she did on the first ones and I do want to know. She was going to tell us what we are doing on our residential weekend next week but didn’t do that either. I like her teaching most of the time but when it’s admin or course structure there’s a lack of direction and information.
In PD we returned to the theme of bullying. One of us mentioned the difficulty in being able to forgive herself for standing by and doing nothing so I talked about something I’m still struggling with but am actually a lot more accepting of. I didn’t stand up to bullies because I couldn’t have. While I would respond differently as the person I am now, I was not that person then. If I could have done something different I would have and the fact that I didn’t means that I couldn’t. I need to accept that I couldn’t have done otherwise and to forgive myself. Let it go. I think I have accepted a lot of it but I’m not really sure that I’ve forgiven myself.
There was another occasion like this, I think last week, when we talked about the ability to say no and a few said they couldn’t and I said you have to practice. Both times I felt that I was further forward than them, not that it’s a competition or anything, but I felt this was a lesson I have learned. I felt a bit smug. Although, did I really feel smug or is it that I am just not used to feeling confident about progress and therefore I identify it as a negative feeling. I should feel more confident about myself than I do and this is an issue I will keep coming back to. I am a lot better than I think I am, in so many ways, and I need to be able to acknowledge that. We’ve finished going through our TA questions in therapy so I think it’s time we talked about where we are going next. I am feeling, and I do in triads, that I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to talk about my week or if I do, I try to keep it to five minutes. We’ve talked about my parents endlessly. I don’t know what I need to do or focus on next and we need to talk about that.